Published June 7, 2018
What Ari Freyr Skúlason lacks in height, he makes up for in sheer, unadulterated psychopathy. In fact, Ari’s capacity for empathy is so impaired that he has been ordered by every club he has ever played for to train barefoot as a safety precaution. Ever since, he’s been collecting the still-booted feet of his enemies as trophies.
Ari’s thirst for the blood of his enemies is even more insatiable; supposedly he only left hometown club Valur for Swedish outfit BK Häcken in 2006 because he thought it was a Viking-inspired paramilitary group. He left as soon as he realised they were a normal football team.
Happier times found him at GIF Sundsvall, where the flying full-back notched up 160 appearances, scoring 30 goals and assisting a further 31 in a five-year spell from 2008-13. Protesting against Scandinavia’s unwillingness to return to an agrarian society, Ari moved from Danish club Odense to Lokeren in Belgium and has enjoyed a productive spell there since 2016, contributing 7 goals and 3 assists in 37 games last time out.
An ever-present at Euro 2016, Ari’s composure under pressure and general cold-bloodedness will provide Iceland with an added maniacal edge at the World Cup in Russia. He’s already checked-in an empty suitcase onto the longboat to the tournament and refuses to leave until it’s full of “mementoes.” Make of that what you will.
Name: Ari Freyr Skúlason
Position: Left-back/Central Midfielder
Special Skills: Pinpoint crosses, plundering overlaps, trophy taking
Nicknames: “The Jötunn Slayer,” “The Homuncular Hangman,” “The Unforgiven”