All of England breathed a sigh of relief on May 12th as the all-conquering Norse pillagers of Everton, Burnley and Cardiff finally took their leave of the English Premier League—some more permanently than others. With the season over and the smiting ceased, here are some of this year’s bloodiest battles in which our boys’ fire-breathing antics unleashed a new reign of terror upon the world’s finest top division.
The season starts, and the snow leopards purr
Burnley’s sparkling scythe Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson and Everton’s steely-eyed sharpshooter Gylfi Sigurðsson both contributed to their first goals of the season, getting the post-World Cup smite train back on track. “The Berginator” created one for James Tarkowski on Premier League matchday two in an eventual 1-3 loss to Watford, and the “Viking Virtuoso” poked home from Sandro Ramírez’s cross-cum-shot in a 3-1 felling of Rotherham United. Aron “The Annihilator” Gunnarsson is yet to feature for Cardiff because of a World Cup war wound to his mighty knee.
Aron finally returns, inspires Cardiff win
However, Iceland captain and Cardiff City’s totemic midfield general and longest-serving player would not be long on the sidelines, returning to the battlefield on matchday nine. His beard flowing in the wild Welsh wind, and with a knowing gleam in his eye, Aron’s presence boosted the beleaguered Bluebirds, who had only two points and no wins from their first eight Premier League games. They would enter a stable period of rejuvenation with Aron at the helm once more.
Gylfi smites Mourinho, United follow suit
The Everton and Iceland talisman and wing’d messenger of the gods spluttered into flames late in the season, taking care of business against José Mourinho’s stuttering Manchester United and arrowing a penalty past David De Gea. A month or so later, the Portuguese was removed from his post and replaced by a baby-faced Viking called Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Coincidence?
“The Berginator” scythes sorry Spurs under Presidential orders
Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson heeded warlord-in-chief and Ice Prez Guðni Thorlacius Jóhannesson’s orders to tar and feather his opponents in February. “The Berginator” set up Ashley Barnes for the winner against Tottenham, just three minutes after entering the fray. After the game, Jói posed proudly with the President after adding yet another scalp to his collection.
Business as usual for Gylfi and Jói; Aron departs
In the end, Gylfi inspired a strong eighth-place finish for Everton, scoring 13 in total and creating six. Jóhann Berg led Burnley to Premier League safety. Aron boarded the longboat to Qatar, leaving the club he joined way back in 2011 a local legend and a hero to the Cardiff massive. With battle smote, sunnier climes calling and plenty of mead on standby, the weary warriors now go into hibernation for the summer… all in order to prepare themselves for a new merciless onslaught in the 2019/20 season.
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