Published March 13, 2018
Professional footballer, proud six-pack owner, face-moth wearer, and member of the many legions of our smited foes Cristiano Ronaldo showed his face in Iceland this week.
Having washed all the egg from his face after a Euro 2016 outburst in which the twinkle-toed diva predicted Iceland would “do nothing in the tournament” due to a “small time mentality,” Cristiano looked fresh as he went sightseeing, saying he had an “amazing day” on Instagram.
Rumours abound as to the nature of his visit. Some claim he was trying to discover the secrets of Iceland’s mighty smiting wrath by witnessing first-hand the unforgiving nature from which our players sprang.
Others say he was on a mission to steal the mythical Smiting Stone, which lies buried deep beneath the frozen tundra carved with runes of strength and indefatigability. Ancient lore tells us that the Smiting Stone is the source of Iceland’s footballing power, but its existence has never been fully confirmed.
Either way, Cristiano was not seen at the site of any archaeological digs, but a helicopter trip into the wilderness suggests he could have been here on reconnaissance.
The vain, slick-haired cry-baby also visited the Euro 2016 memorial hot pot, which was filled with #RonaldoTears collected after Iceland smited Portugal 1-1 in a scorching and historic victory during the tournament.
We look forward to meeting Cristiano once again on the field of war at the World Cup.