Words by

Greig Robertson

@greig_kaj

After the horde let Nigeria off the hook in Stalingrad, it’s Croatia’s turn to enter the smiting line as we aim for a fast-narrowing window into the last sixteen. Destiny is calling: here’s what’s happening in Camp Smite.

Modric vows to beat Iceland for Messi
Former Tottenham midfielder and current Real Madrid champion Luka Modrić has promised that his side will beat our boys and send Lionel Messi’s Argentina through to the knockouts. He reportedly told Argentinian sports broadcaster TyC: “I wish Argentina good luck. We are going to beat Iceland for them.” Our boys have to win their game against Croatia on Tuesday to stand any chance of advancing to the Round of 16 and hope Argentina beat Nigeria by less goals. As we all know, Aron Einar’s Barmy Army were simply building suspense against The Super Eagles, saving themselves for an almighty smiting of Modrić and co.

John Obi Mikel shits a brick at Croatia selection plans
Despite Nigeria’s victory over our boys yesterday, captain John Obi Mikel had a fit about Croatia’s plans to rest key players and those at risk of suspension when they meet Heimir’s men on Tuesday. Former Chelsea man Obi Mikel decried The Blazers’ “lack of professionalism,” according to Vísir, although any manager in Zlatko Dalić’s situation would do exactly the same thing. “You should not give other teams a better chance to move on,” he fumed. Hopefully, this will make it even easier than it was to beat the Croats, who finished behind our boys in qualification.

“Shaggy Breeches” told he was Pele after blow to the head
Ragnar Sigurðsson was the butt of the Iceland camp’s jokes after being discombobulated by a blow to the head during yesterday’s game. “The situation with Ragga is just fine. He slept well tonight and woke up smiling this morning,” coach Heimir told Vísir. “He does not remember anything. He did not know what he was saying or what we said to him. ‘You are called Pelé and you are going to score three goals in the next game’,” he joked. “The Darth Dentist” is also hoping to have Jóhann Berg Gudmundsson back for the crunch tie against Croatia as our boys look to go for broke on Matchday Three.

Hermann Hreiðarsson not yet ready for career as a diplomat
Portsmouth and Iceland legend Hermann Hreiðarsson didn’t exactly keep his feelings under wraps while watching our boys at the Volgograd Arena. The current Kerala Blasters assistant coach could be seen roaring when VAR adjudged that Alfreð Finnbogason had been brought down in the box by Nigeria substitute Tyronne Ebuehi. In the process, Hermann seemed to lose not one, but two pairs of sunglasses – hopefully they weren’t prescription. Before the game, the FA Cup winner was pictured alongside former teammates Sol Campbell and Nwankwo Kanu, who were also in attendance.

Sexy Rúrik soars towards one million Insta followers
Sex bomb Rúrik Gíslason saw his social media stock rise even higher when he started against Nigeria yesterday. Clearly taking the opportunity to mesmerise a new continent, he now sits on 969,000 followers and will surely break the million mark by the tournament’s end. Interestingly, that could categorise him as an online “influencer” and open up myriad marketing opportunities. Social media expert Mae Karwowski told the Wall Street Journal that once the coveted ‘M’ is reached, payments per post rise considerably and Insta celebs can earn up to $15,000 per post. Make sure you cut us in Rúrik, yeah?

Poet plays on patronising depictions of Icelanders in tongue-in-cheek post
Poet Dagur Hjartarson, meanwhile, has used Rúrik’s increasingly recognisable image to troll the ridiculous pastoral eulogisations of Iceland that have emerged over the course of the World Cup. One viral video from FYI English even stated that the Iceland squad “are not really players” and that “around seven men on the roster are farmers.” We’d just like to gently remind the fake news media that only one member of the starting eleven has been playing semi-pro football regularly in the last season and that coach Heimir didn’t have to name three sheep in his 23-man squad to make up the numbers…

Read more about Iceland’s World Cup adventure here. But a Smite The World T-shirt here.