Culture
Football
May The Smite Be With You: Iceland’s Footballers Electrify The 2017-18 Season

May The Smite Be With You: Iceland’s Footballers Electrify The 2017-18 Season

Greig Robertson
Photos by
Lóa Hlín Hjalmtýsdóttir

Published January 3, 2018

Iceland’s marauding horde of footballers paused in the tireless pursuit of their Inevitable World Cup Winning Destiny in recent weeks, returning to freelance day-job smiting at various football clubs across Europe.

Of course, the smiting never really ends; the Icelandic players were involved in many key incidents, thunderbolt free kicks, crunching tackles, rampaging attacks and staunch, sturdy shield wall defensive manoeuvres, powering their respective teams forward with their usual Óðinn-blessed sporting prowess.

At the same time, murmurs of strange supernatural events and bizarre phenomena crept across Russia as the 2018 World Cup draws nearer. Here’s all the latest smiting news.

Gylfi erupts

Fans of strákarnir okkar (“our boys,” in English) may have been concerned for the first few months of this season as Gylfi “The Viking Virtuoso” Sigurðsson decided to take a brief sabbatical after his £45m summer transfer to Everton FC. Thankfully, Gylfi has now recovered from carrying the whole Swansea team on his back for three seasons, returning to form under new Everton manager, “Stór” Sam Allardyce. After dispatching a 25-yard-curler in a 3-1 victory against his former side on December 18th, Gylfi added insult to the copious injuries of his former manager Paul Clement, who was given the Blood Eagle by the Swansea board two days after the plundering. GR

Týr weighs in

After Albert Guðmundsson was absurdly shown red in a Jong PSV match against Fortuna Sittard for an alleged beating motion that never happened, he sought the aid of Týr, Norse God of law and justice, trusting in him to resolve the situation. After Týr familiarised the Dutch disciplinary committee with the proverb, ‘Fear the reckoning of those you have wronged,’ they immediately reversed the referee’s three-match punishment, terrified that an uncontrollable rage was building within Albert’s psyche. Despite his side’s 3-2 defeat, the committee’s members can rest easy, but would do well to remember this course of action for future reference. GR

Russia beset by omens

All across the sprawling landmass of Russia, strange events have been reported. In Moscow, an inexplicably long icicle snapped, plummeted to the frozen ground and shattered on the pavement like the sword of Damocles. Oleg, a Russian busker, picked the shards from his cap, muttering under his breath: “проклятие, will these Icelandic omens never end?”

“In the swamps of west Siberia, a layer of frosted ice crept over the turgid, stinking mud.”

In the swamps of west Siberia, a layer of frosted ice crept over the turgid, stinking mud. A squirrel descended from a tree and tapped over the frozen surface, confused and disoriented. A thunderous sound echoed suddenly through the woods: “HÚH!” The terrified squirrel scuttled back into the trees, never to be seen again.

In Kalach—a village in the Urals—a hot spring suddenly burst through the ground. The villagers gathered to watch the sulphurous steam pour into the sky. An old, blind fortune teller stumbled into the crowd. Everyone fell silent. She said just three words, in a low, quavering voice: “Iceland is coming.”

We’ll be sure to keep an eye on the news and report any other strange phenomena that appear in relation to the imminent conquest of Russia by our crushing army of horrible sporting doom. JR

Read more about football here.


Culture
Football
Smite Preview: Iceland To Eviscerate Belgium; Roberto Martinez Fears “Injured Animal”

Smite Preview: Iceland To Eviscerate Belgium; Roberto Martinez Fears “Injured Animal”

by

Having recovered from the berserk mushroom induced freakout that led to a 6-0 pounding at the hands of the scampering

Culture
Football
Iceland Smited 6-0 By Switzerland During Possible Mushroom Freakout

Iceland Smited 6-0 By Switzerland During Possible Mushroom Freakout

by

Iceland’s national football team was thrashed 6-0 by Switzerland today in their first game at the brand new UEFA Nation’s

Culture
Football
A Smite By Any Other Name: Women’s Team Crashes Out Of World Cup Contention

A Smite By Any Other Name: Women’s Team Crashes Out Of World Cup Contention

by and

As the Icelandic Valkyries’ World Cup hopes are shipwrecked, a new era begins for the men under Swedish coach Erik

Culture
Football
The Smiting Never Ends: Women’s World Cup, Aron & Hannes Contracts & More

The Smiting Never Ends: Women’s World Cup, Aron & Hannes Contracts & More

by and

After a fascinating World Cup tournament reached its finale, the Icelandic men’s team are regrouping for some coming tournaments, while

Culture
Football
Smiter-In-Chief Abandons The Longship: Heimir Steps Down As Iceland Manager

Smiter-In-Chief Abandons The Longship: Heimir Steps Down As Iceland Manager

by

Heimir Hallgrímsson, the head coach of the mens A group of the Icelandic National Football Team will not continue in

Culture
Football
#SmiteTheWorld: A Recap Of Iceland’s World Cup Adventure

#SmiteTheWorld: A Recap Of Iceland’s World Cup Adventure

by and

And that, as they say, is that. Iceland’s World Cup run was short, but glorious. Their incident-packed week in the

Show Me More!