Published January 3, 2018
Iceland’s marauding horde of footballers paused in the tireless pursuit of their Inevitable World Cup Winning Destiny in recent weeks, returning to freelance day-job smiting at various football clubs across Europe.
Of course, the smiting never really ends; the Icelandic players were involved in many key incidents, thunderbolt free kicks, crunching tackles, rampaging attacks and staunch, sturdy shield wall defensive manoeuvres, powering their respective teams forward with their usual Óðinn-blessed sporting prowess.
At the same time, murmurs of strange supernatural events and bizarre phenomena crept across Russia as the 2018 World Cup draws nearer. Here’s all the latest smiting news.
Fans of strákarnir okkar (“our boys,” in English) may have been concerned for the first few months of this season as Gylfi “The Viking Virtuoso” Sigurðsson decided to take a brief sabbatical after his £45m summer transfer to Everton FC. Thankfully, Gylfi has now recovered from carrying the whole Swansea team on his back for three seasons, returning to form under new Everton manager, “Stór” Sam Allardyce. After dispatching a 25-yard-curler in a 3-1 victory against his former side on December 18th, Gylfi added insult to the copious injuries of his former manager Paul Clement, who was given the Blood Eagle by the Swansea board two days after the plundering. GR
Týr weighs in
After Albert Guðmundsson was absurdly shown red in a Jong PSV match against Fortuna Sittard for an alleged beating motion that never happened, he sought the aid of Týr, Norse God of law and justice, trusting in him to resolve the situation. After Týr familiarised the Dutch disciplinary committee with the proverb, ‘Fear the reckoning of those you have wronged,’ they immediately reversed the referee’s three-match punishment, terrified that an uncontrollable rage was building within Albert’s psyche. Despite his side’s 3-2 defeat, the committee’s members can rest easy, but would do well to remember this course of action for future reference. GR
Russia beset by omens
All across the sprawling landmass of Russia, strange events have been reported. In Moscow, an inexplicably long icicle snapped, plummeted to the frozen ground and shattered on the pavement like the sword of Damocles. Oleg, a Russian busker, picked the shards from his cap, muttering under his breath: “проклятие, will these Icelandic omens never end?”
In the swamps of west Siberia, a layer of frosted ice crept over the turgid, stinking mud. A squirrel descended from a tree and tapped over the frozen surface, confused and disoriented. A thunderous sound echoed suddenly through the woods: “HÚH!” The terrified squirrel scuttled back into the trees, never to be seen again.
In Kalach—a village in the Urals—a hot spring suddenly burst through the ground. The villagers gathered to watch the sulphurous steam pour into the sky. An old, blind fortune teller stumbled into the crowd. Everyone fell silent. She said just three words, in a low, quavering voice: “Iceland is coming.”
We’ll be sure to keep an eye on the news and report any other strange phenomena that appear in relation to the imminent conquest of Russia by our crushing army of horrible sporting doom. JR
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