From Iceland — #SmiteTheWorld: ARG 1-1 ISL—Full Report, Player Ratings, Man of the Match

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WOW!

HANNES HALLDÓRSSON SAVED A PENALTY FROM THE GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME, AND THEN DARED TO MAKE AN UNBELIEVABLE SAVE IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES TO SECURE A VALIANT DRAW. WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING PERFORMANCE FROM THIS TEAM WHICH NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE AND IMPRESS. ALL HAIL HEIMIR’S VIKING HORDE OF HEROES.

Ahem.

In their first ever World Cup match, our boys stood together like lions at the Spartak Stadium, and could well have slain the Argentinians, whose defence’s performance plunged lower than the Peso. Regardless, Heimir’s men earned a memorable 1-1 moral victory as bodies were sacrificed and blood was shed in the opener of the Group D “Group of Death.”

Most importantly, Argentina were blunted, and copious Messi tears were collected, especially after Hannes invaded his psyche and mentally obliterated him. Those salty droplets will now take their rightful place on Aron Gunnarsson’s mantlepiece, encased in an empty bottle of beard oil, alongside prizes like Roy Hodgson’s owl teacup and Ronaldo’s diamond-encrusted test tube. Neymar’s name is next on the outstanding Smite List, and we expect his date with destiny to come very, VERY soon. For now, though, we’re drinking the mead taps dry and savouring this bonkers moment. HÚH!

How it happened:

19’ – Sergio Agüero turns and slaps one past Hannes Þór Halldórsson after Rojo’s cross-come-shot. Argentina 1-0 Iceland

23’ – Alfreð Finnbogason bites back after Willy Caballero spills Gylfi Sigurðsson’s cross. Argentina 1-1 Iceland

64’ – OH MY CHRIST HANNES SAVES MESSI’S PENALTY AND ICELAND HOLD ON FOR A FAMOUS DRAW.

Player Ratings

MAN OF THE MATCH: Hannes Þór “Wild Claws” Halldórsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: FUCKING ALL OF THEM, PLUS TWO
Bastion of national pride Hannes Þór beat Messi’s early long range shot away with conviction, then went one better by holding his next attempt, before saving the little magician’s penalty with consummate ease. After all that, he made another incredible save in the last ten minutes to make sure his side held on. A complete and utter legend before, the half-man-half-giant gains deity status after this all-round stunning showing.

Birkir Már “The Steriliser” Sævarsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
Birkir owned Messi when he broke into the box from deep, and made an incredible challenge on Argentina’s number 10 just before he released a second-half thunderbolt, rubbing salt in his rather gaping penalty-related wounds.

Ragnar “Shaggy Breeches” Sigurðsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
Caught out by Rojo’s cross-come-shot, but made amends with a fantastic last-ditch challenge on Biglia towards the end of the first half. He burst the midfielder’s eardrums after he claimed for a penalty.

Kári “The Disciple of Doom” Árnason
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
Aggressive defending from the outset, and was an outstanding leader in the defensive unit. He always turns up in these games.

Hörður Björgvin “The Beautiful Death” Magnússon
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
Covered the centre-halves brilliantly, and pressed high when he could. Gifted Messi the penalty just so that Hannes could destroy him.

Jóhann “The Berginator” Guðmundsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
A mobile, flowing winger, Jóhann fed off scraps this time, but he was positive when he could be. Nobly injured himself to stem the flow of Argentina’s second-half onslaught.

Aron “The Annihilator” Gunnarsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 5
Most likely in agony, but played through the pain barrier and led like the ox he is. Tried to be progressive with the ball, and shook off a disgraceful off-the-ball challenge from the referee.

Emil “The Emilinator” Hallfreðsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 5
Much more solid in the midfield three, and was sensible and strong on the ball. An utter hero in the middle of the park.

Gylfi “The Viking Virtuoso” Sigurðsson
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 5
Set the tone with a high press and a shot within 20 seconds. Almost gave our boys the lead when a wonderful side-step opened up a chance on his left, but Caballero saved well. Silky on the ball and took pride in his defensive duties.

Birkir “Horror Hooves” Bjarnason
Ballon d’Ors pillaged: 4
Steely-eyed during the anthem and fiesty in the tackle throughout. Should have scored after Caballero made a hash of a goal kick—but literally no one cares.

Alfreð “Arctic Fox In The Box” Finnbogason Ballon d’Ors pillaged: FUCKING ALL OF THEM PLUS ONE
THIS MAN WAS EVERYWHERE. He stretched the Argentinian backline, linked up with his fellow attackers and made about a million tackles. To top it all off, he castrated Otamendi with his calm nutmegged finish and earned his side a point.