Iceland will tonight smite the weedy minnows of Kosovo on their way to winning the World Cup 2017.
The last time the two teams met, it was a tough game. Iceland destroyed them, obviously, with the scoreline of 2-1 reflecting that we’re at least twice as good as they are. That’s just maths, people.
Crazed war psychosis
But rumour has it, that night, the Islendingar warriors struggled to flip into their trademark crackling, mighty, electric, ridiculous, epic, bloodletting berserker rage against such lowly opposition. This means the supposedly easy games are sometimes the hardest.
However, with their eyes set firmly on the tempting gleam of the World Cup trophy, and all of entrails, omens, visions and runes pointing to Iceland’s Inevitable World Cup Winning Destiny—and a home town horde screaming from the stands—reaching the psychotic fervour of berserker mode should be easy tonight.
The horror, the horror
Perhaps more of a concern than qualification is smiting Kosovo a little too hard. It’s said that several members of the England squad never fully recovered from the trauma of their Euro 2016 smiting. Wayne Rooney slinked off to Everton from Manchester United the next season, to sit on the bench, his eyes teary and bloodshot, staring into the distance and muttering “We didn’t see them coming… the drums… the horror…”
Is it possible to #smite too hard? Reports say Rooney sits on the Everton bench staring into space, muttering "The drums… the horror…"
— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) October 9, 2017
There are rumours that, to alleviate such possible outcomes tonight, Hannes Halldórsson has been instructed to, if the mood takes him, let in a sympathy goal.
And so we say: good luck, Kosovo. You may not win the match, but you can try and keep your sanity.
Of course, you can follow the goings on via the @RVKgrapevine Twitter account. We’ll be watching the omens all day, and live tweeting the match.