The Ogress Grýla, Mother of Yule Lads, Eater of Children, Wife of Leppalúði, Mistress of Christmas Cat, Head of House Yule and ruler of the Great Black Desert and Moon Mountain has stolen the contested shipment of Norwegian machine guns and built herself a throne of guns.
Several security guards were maimed in the heist last night, victims of Grýla’s pet beast, the dreaded Christmas Cat.
As reported, in October news broke of the arrival of 250 MP5 machine guns. While the Icelandic Coast Guard assumed these guns were a gift from the Norwegian government, the Norwegian government expected payment.
Traditionally, most police officers in Iceland have served unarmed, but are backed up, when needed, by Special Forces. The plan to equip the Icelandic police with submachine guns – especially in a country with practically zero gun crime – outraged Icelanders and was met with resistance.
Eventually, as neither the Icelandic Coast Guard – who wanted the guns for free – nor the Norwegian government – who wanted cold hard cash – backed down the Icelandic Coast Guard announced it would return the guns.
But only once an opportunity arose that allowed them to ship the guns back for free. Explaining why the guns were still present in Iceland and how Grýla was able to steal them.
“It seems Grýla took advantage of this waiting game,” said an anonymous source of the Grapevine’s within the Icelandic Coast Guard. “She planned this elaborate heist and stole the guns when we were most vulnerable, right after Christmas day lunch. We were so full, none of us saw it coming! She was terrifying, just as I’d always imagined her as a child. I’ll never forget it, my colleagues, sliced into ribbons by the Christmas Cat’s claws. I was lucky to get out alive.”
“Yeah I took the guns, what are you going to do about it?” Grýla asked the Grapevine when we managed to reach her. “I wanted a gun throne, so I got myself one. And all shall bow before me and my gun throne, forged with the guns of the vanquished Snorewegians, hundreds of them, melted together like candles in the bleak Icelandic night.”
Grýla has invited the Prime Minister Sigmundur Davíð Gunnlaugsson as well as several other government officials on both the right and the left to unify under her rule and plead fealty to her.
The prime minister however, was not available for comment and seems to have left the country without informing any official government bodies. He is believed to have gone to Tenerife on holiday and will presumably return before parliament goes back into session early next year. Maybe.
The Yulevine Calendar
Day 1: Stekkjastaur Turns Down Össur Prosthetic
Day 2: Giljagaur Doesn’t Understand How Monopolies Work, Still Has Opinions
Day 3: Stúfur Considering Legally Changing His Name
Day 4: Þvörusleikir Shares Top 5 Holiday Uses For Wooden Spoons
Day 5: Pottaskefill Publishes Neo-Luddite Manifesto
Day 6: Askasleikir Unveils New Omaggio Askur
Day 7: Hurðaskellir Releases Debut Album: Door Sounds
Day 8: Skyrgámur Shares Seasonal Skyr Cake Recipe
Day 9: Bæjarins Beztu Beef Up Security In Anticipation Of Bjúgnakrækir
Day 10: Hacktivist Gluggagægir Arrested On Suspicion Of Espionage
Day 11: Gáttaþefur Breaks Nose, Will Have To Wait Month For Treatment
Day 12: Ketkrókur Sets House On Fire Trying To Smoke Meat
Day 13: Kertasníkir Sends Sour Grapes Letter
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