From Iceland — Sour grapes and stuff

Sour grapes and stuff

Published January 13, 2011

Sour grapes and stuff

I am not a professional photographer. I really wanted to come to
Iceland and take picture. I had tried to speak with NASA, but could not
get through to anyone. I also visited with the University of Houston
and could get anyone to communicate with me. I visited a library and
they were vague. I wanted to be able to get close and take alot of
picture of your land. The pictures taken were really beautiful.
Kindest Regards,
Vickie E. Null
Dear Vickie,
thank you for your letter. We must confess, we do not fully understand
it, but the fact that you, an amateur photographer, would have been
willing to not only come to Iceland for the sake of taking only one
photo of Iceland, but also spoke to NASA and the University of Houston
to try to make the dream happen is impressive enough in its sheer
audacity. Motherfucking NASA, for Christ’s sake. We imagine the
conversation must have gone something like this:
NASA: “Hi, welcome to the National Aeronautics and Space Association, how may I help you?”
Vickie: “Good day. I am not a professional photographer, but I would
really like to take a picture of Iceland. You will help me do this.”
NASA: “I’m… sorry, ma’m, but that really isn’t our department-“
Vickie: “Your petty excuses do not concern me. You will get me to Iceland, or I will teach you the meaning of pain.”
NASA: “Ma’m, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to le- oh, God,
your eyes… no, please, please… I’ll do anything you want… hold on,
let me get the project chief for Faster-Than-Light travel on the phone,
he should be able to help you.”
Vickie: “Good, goooood.”
NASA: “Ma’m, I’m… sorry, sir, but he’s not picking up. I can’t get through to anyone.”
Vickie: “Damn.”
We hope you do eventually get here. Your picture would be badass. It
would be the only picture ever displayed of Iceland. It would be on
stamps, license plates and tattooed on the President’s ass. In the
meantime, enjoy your free CDs, for you, sir or madam, are awesome, and
we are awarding with our MOST AWESOME LETTER AWARD.
Hallo together,
I want to report to you an incident which saddened me quite a lot on the last day of my Island stay last August.
On August 28th I was on board a boat for a whalewatching tour off
Reykjavik. It was th last tour of that day and only 19 passengers were
on the boat.
On our way back to Reykjavik harbour I was shocked to watch a crew
member dumping a sack of refuse (what else could it reasonably
contain?) from the rear of the boat into the wash.
Unfortunately I was the only one to witness that, all the other
passengers were elsewhere. The man who dumped the sack didn’t notice
Had I not seen this I would have firmly denied that a person who lives
with and from the sea and it`s animals could be able to pollute the
element willfully, just for convenience.
I ponder if this is common and tolerated pratice in the trade? Or was
the individual just too lazy to carry the sack ashore? Or was he to
save money?
Sorry for bothering you with this, but I just had to find somebody to tell this.
Regards and best wishes for Chrismas and the New Year!
Horst Basermann
Dear Horst,
Hallo together yourself, and we hope the day finds you well.
This is most upsetting news. We don’t know why the sailor did what he
did. But what we do know is that sailors are mysterious people. Very
secretive. You pose the question “what else could it reasonably
contain?” as if it is a given that sailors only dump refuse. Perhaps he
was dumping drugs. Or hookers. Or nuns. He might be an Orthodox
Christian. You never know.
A man dumping refuse is a sad sight. We know of no man to be seen to
dump refuse in an attractive way, or indeed dumping anything in an
attractive way. While we are aware that attractive men often dump
things (we have seen it on the television), they never become more
attractive during the physical act of dumping. It is a fact.
We hope this letter is helpful to you, also: Happy New Year to you and yours.

Snow can cause a lot of troubles, but every snowcrystal is a
masterpiece of design. I enclose two snowcrystal photomicrographs of
mine. If you want, you can use them freely in your snowstories/ blogs
or webside during this winter. The last photograph won the second place
in world leading microphotograph popular vote competition 2010.
If you use them, please include the reference for the first picture:
Pekka Honkakoski, Finland and for the second picture: Pekka Honkakoski,
Finland, Nikon Small World.
Mr. Pekka Honkakoski
Dear Pekka,
Your letter was most inspiring. We do not traditionally write
snowstories, but in response to your letter and attached photographs,
we have decided to try to write one:
I had traversed great lengths across the frigid snow when I first
spotted Dr. Snowdon. I saw him through the snow as he waded through it,
shielding his face from the blizzard with his snow gloves.
“A fine day for so much snow,” he said, snow covering his snow-white beard as I dismounted from my snowmobile.
“Yes, I was expecting sleet, myself, but, as they say, any day has the potential to be a fine snow day.”
 “Indeed,” he replied, and I noticed the black wrinkles in his snow
suit gave him the appearance of an anthropomorphic snow leopard. “I
say, is that a snow rifle?”
I hefted the snow-white gun off my shoulder, unclipping the snow sling
from my snow jacket and handing him the rifle. He reached for it
through the snow.
“You know, I expected you here sooner,” he said, brushing snow out of
the chamber as I absently made a miniature snow angel with my snow boot.
 “Yes, I’m afraid I was snowed in this morning.”
“Oh, really? Well, when life hands you snow…” he began.
“…you make snowballs,” I finished. We laughed, two old friends in the snow…
…you know what, on second thought, fuck this. That was probably the
worst story in the entire world. Thanks for the pictures though.

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