Monsters and Mythical Beings: Nábuxur - The Reykjavik Grapevine

Monsters and Mythical Beings: Nábuxur

Published April 3, 2009

This twelfth instalment in our Hugleikur Dagsson illustrated series of
Iceland’s monsters and mythical beings (or are they…?) uncovers a
fashionable and lucrative garment entitled nábuxur (also: “nábrók” and
“finnabrækur”). For the record, nábuxur translates as: “corpsepants.”
How cool is that?
Now, corpsepants don’t really classify as a “monster” or “being,” as
they do not have a mind of their own and cannot move around freely.
They’re more of a mythical tool or entity, if you will, one that grants
its owner great powers and serves a very specific purpose: bringing
home the bacon. And since “the bacon” is in high demand these days, we
felt these awesome pants merited a mention.
To make your very own pair of corpsepants, you must simply make an
arrangement with a friend or acquaintance that entitles you to make use
of his flesh after he’s dead (you might want to get that in writing).
Make sure that your friend is of the male variety, as the corpsepants’
magical powers reside in the nutsack, which is exclusive to dudes.
After your friend passes away, you must venture at night to the
graveyard (or wherever he’s buried), exhume the corpse and flay it from
the waist down, being extra-careful not to puncture the skin anywhere.
There must be no holes, save for the ones you put your legs through.
This should leave you with some leg-skin, which you must hoist over
your own bare legs as soon as possible.
Once you put them on, the fleshy pants will immediately graft onto your
skin. To activate CORPSEPANT-POWER, you must then steal a coin from a
poor widow during Christmas, Easter or Pentecost (and you must steal it
between the time your minister reads his sermon and the Gospel). Place
that coin firmly in the aforementioned nutsack of your cool new pants
and voila – you will never be short on spare change again!
Yes, you read correctly. Given that you followed the above directions
to a tee, your stolen coin will now generate an endless amount of fresh
coins in your pants’ nutsack. Whenever you need money, you can simply
reach in and pull some out. Change for a dollar? There you go. Vending
machine soda, anytime you like? No problem! However, be sure to not
remove the original widow’s coin, as that’ll break the spell and leave
you penniless.
Though it’s unbelievable that anyone would want to remove such an
awesome pair of pants, keep in mind that taking them off is no mean
feat. To go pants-free, you must convince a buddy to take them on,
putting on one pants-leg as soon as you slide it off. He won’t be able
to back out once he has taken the first step, either, so try and
convince him or her while drunk, if you can.
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