Amateur astrology brought to you via the divine wisdom bestowed upon us by 100 gecs.
Aries: hand crushed by a mallet
That’s a lot of anger you’re carrying around in that little body of yours, but don’t sweat it, everyone you hate will get what they deserve in the end (but don’t forget—so will you). You’ve recently acquired a new enemy, but you’d be wise to turn them from foe to friend. You’re not too cool for them, we promise.
Taurus: 745 sticky
We almost gave you 800db cloud (Ricco Harver remix), because you are totally addicted to monster, money and weed, and you go way harder than anyone else you know. But you’re actually more of a 745 kinda guy. You love spending money, but your materialistic hedonism sometimes gets in the way of your ambitions. You feel like you’re not good enough but rest assured the stars are on your side. You got this.
You’re trying to figure out if you’ve got a crush on him, and we’re here to tell you that you do. And you know what? It’s gonna be fun while it lasts, so enjoy it. Because there’s gonna come a time when the sound of his ringtone will indeed make you sick.
“You can call on me anytime and I’m running home to you.” This lyric sums you up: you’re loyal, and totally pure of heart. You put others before yourself, so maybe make some time this week for some self care.
Leo: money machine
You’ve been meaning to apologise to that person for a while but you keep putting it off. Time is running out. They’re days away from enacting their devastating revenge. At this very moment they’re sharpening knives. Yikes. Save yourself the trouble and just say you’re sorry. Set your pride aside and soon you, too, will feel so clean like a money machine.
Virgo: stupid horse
Don’t overthink it. Keep betting money on that stupid horse. Your hard work will pay off in the end.
Libra: gec 2 Ü
You’ve been getting your shit together lately, but now you’re a little too organised. It’s time to let loose and party hard. You can always clean yourself up in 2021. Or 2022. Whatever!
Scorpio: I Need Help Immediately
The title says it all really. Get well soon.Xx
You’re gonna fall in love soon. Yes, again! This time it’s for real. Maybe.
Capricorn: sympathy 4 the grinch
You’ve worked hard this year in your thankless office job, and what did you get for it? Not enough, that’s what. You might think the answer is revenge, and you'd be exactly right. Let’s smash capitalism baby.
Aquarius: ringtone (Remix) [feat. Charli XCX, Rico Nasty, Kero Kero Bonito]
Just like Gemini there's love in your future. I know you're probably stressing over what to wear on the first date, so here's some advice. That gorgeous vintage piece you've been contemplating buying, but don't know if you're going to be able to pull it off? You should go for it.
Pisces: 800db cloud
Long distance is hard. Even harder since you cheated on her. You think saying "but I'm an artist," is an excuse for all your mistakes, but maybe it's time to grow up and admit you're not as creative as you think you are. You'd be a lot more successful if you tapped into that trademark Pisces empathy and volunteered in a soup kitchen or something.
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