It’s been entirely too long since I last reported to you about t.A.T.u. – the greatest and most awesome band in the world – and as you can imagine, they’ve been busy spreading their greatness and awesome around the globe. So great and awesome has their greatness and awesomeness been that mere words fail to capture it, in much the same way that a Nokia default ringtone fails to capture the achievements of the world’s greatest composers. Nonetheless, here it is: your latest update on Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova, singers for the greatest and most awesome band in the world, t.A.T.u.
Yulia Volkova got married last March, but not to her on-again-off-again boyfriend pop singer Vlad Topalov, but rather to some guy named Parviz, a friend she made before the Dangerous and Moving Tour and kept in touch with on the road. She is apparently madly in love and told the Russian magazine Tvoy Den, “I want to bear Parviz a son, and not only one. In general, for me the question of motherhood is very important now. I wish that there is a fruit of our love, which would make us the most happy people under the sun.” She did not, contrary to tabloid reports, convert to Islam – she remains an atheist. Which is odd, as it’s hard to imagine that a human being like Yulia Volkova could be created by mere chance. I imagine she was created by a team of wizards on top of Mt. Sinai, but to each their own!
One of t.A.T.u.’s most enigmatic songs, Obezyanka Nol (Monkey Zero), was recently explained on their official site. In their own words they explained that the song is saying that, “Nobody is responsible for anything anymore, everybody is on one’s own. Everything that we believed in died under the pressure of triviality and cynicism. It’s a sad memory about somebody who was joyous and funny – but in the past. Monkey Zero is an unprotected, sincere and honest human being crushed by our violent reality.” Has anyone done more to point out what needs improving in our world than t.A.T.u? Amnesty International, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity – lightweights, all of them.
t.A.T.u. plan to release a new album this year, which they say will be “less heavy” than their sophomore effort, Dangerous and Moving. As of last February, demos were recorded but a set release date has yet to be established. As Volkova explained, “We’ll make something less heavy. You can’t make psychological and complicated things all the time.” So for those of you who had your minds shattered so utterly by Dangerous and Moving, you can breathe easier knowing the girls are going to have mercy on your puny brains this time around.
Perhaps the greatest and most awesome news to date, however, is that the Russian-American film company RAMCO has entered the final stage of Pre-Production for the feature film “Finding Tatu”, based on Alexey Mitrofanov’s novel “Tatu Come Back”, to be shot in Moscow this month. Roland Joffé (The Killing Fields, Super Mario Bros.) was invited to direct, on a budget of $12 million. Here’s what t.A.T.u.’s official press portal has to say about the plot:
“Janie Sawyer is a cute American teenager. She’s been living in Moscow for a year, but still has no friends. Janie’s loneliness and love for music bring her to the fandom of Tatu, and in one of the Internet chatrooms she meets Lana Starkova, a fellow fan from a provincial Russian town. Together they plunge into the attractive yet dangerous world of nightlife, experience adventures on the verge of fairy-tale and nightmare, and undergo trials of their own friendship. Despite all the conflicts, betrayal and disappointment, the girls shall renounce false values and discover new feelings and talents within themselves.”
The movie is scheduled to be shown at Cannes this year. My prediction is this movie will take the Palme D’Or, and will win at least seven Oscars. In fact, I’d put a steak dinner on the Academy creating a new award – The Most Greatness and Awesomeness in a Motion Picture – just so they can award it to t.A.T.u., the greatest and most awesome band in the world.
t.A.T.u. Fun Fact #203
The letters in Yulia Volkova and Lena Katina can be rearranged to spell “A yolk lava ink evaluation.” And I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining what that means.
t.A.T.u. Quote #771
“When an artist climbs up there’s a certain stage of conquering heights. It’s very important then not to fall down.” Yulia Volkova gives advice to all you ballers out there.