Words by

You Guys!

@rvkgrapevine

BEST LETTER:
ICELANDS BEST KEPT SECRET
After having experiencing the most amazing holiday I’ve ever been on and after almost getting arrested at the airport for smuggling Iceland’s Best Kept Secret I guess I’d better come clean and share it with you…although a full day bobbing around in the steaming silica waters of The Blue Lagoon was just as hair raising as the magical rainbow waterfalls, the geothermal power stations, the mental lava landscape and the bonkers glacier floating icebergs, non of these left my hair feeling as dry as a bone and as frizzy as a frizzy thing. (I looked like Bridget Jones after she had driven to the hotel for a ‘mini break’ with Hugh Grant) So imagine my surprise to discover that pouring a bottle of the most delicious Icelandic Egils Malt Extrakt alcohol free beer type drink all over my hair left it instantly softer than a babies bum! It’s true! It is absolutely amazing stuff which has special magical powers without a shadow of a doubt. Hence my pathetic (inadvertant?) attempt at smuggling it out of the country… But those eagle eyed customs fellas were having none of it…pah, jolly well keep it to yourself then!!! Thanks for a great cultural bonkers country with fab people and the nice hosts in the Hilton Exec Lounge who ‘donated’ one or two bottles to me in the name of science!
Yvonne Denton
—
Wow! Thanks for the tip! How did you ever think of pouring Egils Malt Extrakt alcohol free beer type drink all over your head? Can we print this secret?
—
Haha, after yet another mad dash to the free booze and fill yer boots 6-8 happy hour in the hilton executive lounge (my mate paid for the hotel, I’m skint!) I started wondering what free food would be as good for my crispy mad hair as that white silica blue lagoon stuff is for your skin when andy hit upon malt being allegedly good for your hair…further inspection of the ingredients also revealed via spurious translation that it contains marijuana or hemp (as well as liquorice) I’m not sure what liquorice does other than make you ‘go’ if you eat too much but if hemp is good enough to use as a conditioner for the likes of The Body Shop, then it’s good enough for me! So now the secret is out. I’m an unemployed engineer and always wanted to invent something so reckon I can tick that off my bucket list. (just a shame I can’t tick northern lights off-it was too cloudy) Anyway, I’m a rubbish cook but reckon you should leave it to ‘cook’ for at least 10 minutes. Then ‘hey presto’ a glossy mane and a passport to be released into the wilds of iceland again! It’s magic! X
PS – you can print it. (had to dash off from last email, because my georgous new boyfriend just landed in canada for a job interview after a 21 hour flight and had just texted me before he passes out. It’s not every day I get woken up by a text from the other side of the world and an Icelandic editor! How cool! You work late by the way…am impressed! Take care. Anybody (who is normal ish) is welcome to stay at my house in england by the way. night bless xxx)
Yvonne
—
Dear Yvonne,
Thank you for all of your emails! For your Egils Malt Extrakt alcohol free beer hair miracle solution, for your entertaining story and for your invitation to England (though we’re not sure if we would fit your standard of ‘normal’)!
It’s true, we often work late hours, but it’s readers like you that make it all worth it. If you ever make it to Iceland again, we’ll treat you to some Malt!
Love,
The Grapevine
—
This app is silly,
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/iceland-app-warn-hookup-relative-200939264.html.  You Vikings are all so closely related that you can do organ transplants between total strangers without anti-rejection drugs.
DEP
—
Hey there DEP,
People have certainly scoffed at the anti-incest app and how much international media attention it got because of course nobody really accidentally sleeps with their relative here, at least not that we or anybody we know knows of (read more on page 6). But you’re saying that it’s silly because we’re all a bunch of incestuous Vikings and no app in this world will help us? Jeez, thanks!
Maybe you’re right though, who knows. The Icelandic writer and filmmaker Andri Snær Magnason recently said that being an Icelander is like having a mentally retarded Siamese twin. He was expressing dissatisfaction over the recent parliamentary election results, which saw The Progressive Party and The Independence Party winning the greatest number of seats (read more on page 8). However, he immediately regretted using the term “mentally retarded” in a derogatory fashion. He really meant to say “foolish” or “silly.”
Best,
RGV
—
How are you??Just hoping this email reaches you well, I’m sorry for this emergency but I just have to let you know my present predicament. My family and I made an urgent trip to United Kingdom. Everything was fine until we were attacked on our way back to the hotel, nobody was hurt but we lost money, bank cards, mobile phones and my bag in the course of this attack. I immediately contacted my bank in order to block my cards and also made a report at the nearest police station. I’ve been to the embassy and they are helping me with my documentation so i can fly out but I’m urgently in need of some money to pay for my hotel bills and my flight ticket home, will pay back as soon as i get back home.
Kindly let me know if you would be able to help me out so I can forward you the details required for a wire transfer.
Best regards,
lolita
–
OH COME ON, LOLITA. DO YOU REALLY THINK THE GRAPEVINE IS GOING TO FALL FOR THAT ONE?