Dear Grapevine,
I’m writing in regards to an article I read in your last issue. You recommended candles from Tiger. “Cheap and colourful,” you said and I just wanted to say thanks for lying to me, assholes.
I went to Tiger and bought those candles, OK, I stole them, and they tasted terrible. Disgusting even. You know, you guys used to be a legitimate news source. Your standards are not at all what they used to be.
I’m really struggling to see how you are making any ethical or professional efforts with your paper, especially since you’re spouting lies and can’t even be trusted to report factually on candle flavours.
On top of that my Facebook comments on your page are regularly met with hostile remarks from your staff who use really foul language. I’d appreciate it if you told them to stop, do they know who I am?
– Kertasníkir A.K.A Candle Beggar
Dear Kertasníkir,
Listen, we told you last year but we’ll tell you again, you might be the thirteenth and final Yule Lad and sure, you’re a pretty big deal, but you have got to stop eating candles, man.
We know it’s part of your schtick, and we get it, you’ve been sneaking into homes and begging children to give you candles to eat for centuries.
But candles aren’t made from tallow anymore, they’re not edible the way they used to be. We even contacted Tiger for you who said unequivocally that eating their candles is hazardous for your health. Also, they’ve asked you to please stop stealing their merchandise.
We get that you used to be the Big Kahuna of the Christmas scene, and owning a candle back in the day, that was no small thing, it was a precious and extremely valuable source of light, but we have light bulbs now. Times have changed, you got to get with the programme.
Merry Christmas, now!
– The Grapevine Team
The Yulevine Calendar
Day 1: Stekkjastaur Turns Down Össur Prosthetic
Day 2: Giljagaur Doesn’t Understand How Monopolies Work, Still Has Opinions
Day 3: Stúfur Considering Legally Changing His Name
Day 4: Þvörusleikir Shares Top 5 Holiday Uses For Wooden Spoons
Day 5: Pottaskefill Publishes Neo-Luddite Manifesto
Day 6: Askasleikir Unveils New Omaggio Askur
Day 7: Hurðaskellir Releases Debut Album: Door Sounds
Day 8: Skyrgámur Shares Seasonal Skyr Cake Recipe
Day 9: Bæjarins Beztu Beef Up Security In Anticipation Of Bjúgnakrækir
Day 10: Hacktivist Gluggagægir Arrested On Suspicion Of Espionage
Day 11: Gáttaþefur Breaks Nose, Will Have To Wait Month For Treatment
Day 12: Ketkrókur Sets House On Fire Trying To Smoke Meat
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