Published October 12, 2017
We at Grapevine pride ourselves on being on the cutting edge of analysis and the scientific method. In keeping with this, we offer for you this definitive political horoscope to help you navigate your way through the political landscape. What should you care about, what should you dismiss, where should you stand? Don’t consider the issues; consider your birthday.
Libra (September 23-October 22): You’re the kind of centrist who sincerely believes in the Horseshoe Theory. You believe that any extreme is bad, and the truth is always in the middle. As such, you should probably vote for any vaguely middle-of-the-road party that offers non-ideas like “compromise” and “harmony”.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): For you, there is literally no other gauge for how viable a candidate is than how attractive and charming they are. Issues don’t matter; sex appeal does. You’ll end up voting for whichever candidate you last fantasized about during one of your many ill-advised hookups.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Politics is supposed to be fun, all the time, and that’s what draws you to any particular party. What’s an indexed loan? Who gives a shit? You just want to be entertained, and your ballot will go to whoever amuses you the most.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): A cold, calculating Machiavellian such as yourself has only one question when it comes to who to vote for: what’s in it for me? Look at which parties are appealing to the things that matter to you directly. Disregard everyone else.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): For you, dearest water-bearer, politics is dead boring. Whatever forces are at work shaping the functions of society simply don’t appear on your radar. You can sit out the elections. No one will blame you.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Literally no party is going to be good enough for you. Your towering idealism cannot even be approached by any conventional political party. Your best bet is to stick to attending protests and writing scathing political screeds for Medium.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You think leftism means having ideals, but then compromising them for the right wing because you don’t want to alienate anyone. Change is fine, so long as it’s watered down to the point where no one can object because no one knows what it means anymore. Cast your vote just one nanometer left of centre.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You know who ELSE was a Taurus? Yeah we see right through you. Just be honest about being a literal fascist for a change.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): No one really knows where you stand because you’re just too good at seeing other peoples’ points of view, so your opinions change easily when presented with a halfway cogent argument. You’ll end up voting for whatever was the last party’s logo you saw on your way to the polls.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will spend 20 minutes in the voting booth, pencil in trembling hand, questioning every decision you could possibly make at this moment. None of them will be good enough. You’ll end up closing your eyes and drawing an X on some random place on the ballot. It will not be counted.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Old school leftists like you will tell anyone who will listen how the left is a hollow shell of what it used to be. And then you’ll vote for whichever leftist party is most likely to get the most votes anyway.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): After you’ve put down your copy of Morgunblaðið and put on your best tweed jacket, you’ll get in your SUV and drive to the polls, cursing under your breath about George Soros and the global cultural Marxist conspiracy. Then you’ll decide that all politicians are paid shills of the internationalist agenda, and head instead to the nearest bar to drink yourself numb.