In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists give you their mystical insights on how to live a long and fulfilling life. Think of us as psychic grandmas. We love you.
Aries
Your TikTok game is perfect, but maybe wait til you get home to make them. Your co-workers are getting increasingly uncomfortable watching you recording yourself silently pointing at invisible things in the air.
Taurus
We know it’s embarrassing that you once clogged someone’s toilet and then tried to cover it up by putting your poo in their cat’s litter box, but take heart: it’s also pretty hilarious.
Gemini
It’s OK to block a family member sharing QAnon content. NB: Applies to all signs.
Cancer
Autumn is in the air and you know what that means, Aries? That’s right: time to make a list of things you are totally going to do to get the most out of the season and then promptly forget about it.
Leo
Never. Stop. Posting. Photos. Of. Your. Cat. Your chonky floof is adorable and anyone annoyed by photos of them doesn’t belong in your life.
Virgo
Have you festooned your home with gourds, put out the cinnamon-heavy potpourri and bought yourself litres of apple cider? What are you waiting for??
Libra
Yes, you do deserve to buy yourself a new pair of tights. Maybe even five pairs. And why not? You earned it.
Scorpio
“Woooo, it’s almost Spooky Season!!” you post on Facebook “Time to get spoooooky!” You share memes about how no one can handle how much you love Halloween. You make it a point to mention your love of Halloween to your friends, every day, tickling your little pumpkin earrings coyly. You remind your co-workers that you, in fact, think Halloween is the best holiday of all, wondering why they don’t act shocked and scandalised by this totally innocuous opinion. Dial it back a bit, babe.
Sagittarius
Hey, you know, you can actually enjoy the autumn. You’re not a little kid anymore, when the approach of autumn meant having to go back to the grind of school. You grind 365 days a year at your job, now. Cheer up!
Capricorn
This is totally going to be your year, Capricorn. Let no one tell you different.
Aquarius
Yes, you totally should write down on a piece of paper all the shows you intend to marathon on your favourite streaming sites. If not, you’re going to forget them.
Pisces
Has anyone told you that you have great taste in music? No? Well their opinion doesn’t count. They don’t appreciate 100 Gecs the way you do, you supreme connoisseur of music you.
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