In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists give you their mystical insights on how to live a long and fulfilling life. Think of us as psychic grandmas. We love you.
Your TikTok game is perfect, but maybe wait til you get home to make them. Your co-workers are getting increasingly uncomfortable watching you recording yourself silently pointing at invisible things in the air.
We know it’s embarrassing that you once clogged someone’s toilet and then tried to cover it up by putting your poo in their cat’s litter box, but take heart: it’s also pretty hilarious.
It’s OK to block a family member sharing QAnon content. NB: Applies to all signs.
Autumn is in the air and you know what that means, Aries? That’s right: time to make a list of things you are totally going to do to get the most out of the season and then promptly forget about it.
Never. Stop. Posting. Photos. Of. Your. Cat. Your chonky floof is adorable and anyone annoyed by photos of them doesn’t belong in your life.
Have you festooned your home with gourds, put out the cinnamon-heavy potpourri and bought yourself litres of apple cider? What are you waiting for??
Yes, you do deserve to buy yourself a new pair of tights. Maybe even five pairs. And why not? You earned it.
“Woooo, it’s almost Spooky Season!!” you post on Facebook “Time to get spoooooky!” You share memes about how no one can handle how much you love Halloween. You make it a point to mention your love of Halloween to your friends, every day, tickling your little pumpkin earrings coyly. You remind your co-workers that you, in fact, think Halloween is the best holiday of all, wondering why they don’t act shocked and scandalised by this totally innocuous opinion. Dial it back a bit, babe.
Hey, you know, you can actually enjoy the autumn. You’re not a little kid anymore, when the approach of autumn meant having to go back to the grind of school. You grind 365 days a year at your job, now. Cheer up!
This is totally going to be your year, Capricorn. Let no one tell you different.
Yes, you totally should write down on a piece of paper all the shows you intend to marathon on your favourite streaming sites. If not, you’re going to forget them.
Has anyone told you that you have great taste in music? No? Well their opinion doesn’t count. They don’t appreciate 100 Gecs the way you do, you supreme connoisseur of music you.
Note: Due to the effect the Coronavirus is having on tourism in Iceland, it’s become increasingly difficult for the Grapevine to survive. If you enjoy our content and want to help the Grapevine’s journalists do things like eat and pay rent, please consider joining our High Five Club.
You can also check out our shop, loaded with books, apparel and other cool merch, that you can buy and have delivered right to your door.
Buy subscriptions, t-shirts and more from our shop right here!