From Iceland — Grapevine’s 2017 Prophecies

Grapevine’s 2017 Prophecies

Published January 11, 2017

Grapevine’s 2017 Prophecies
Photo by
Lóa Hlín Hjálmtsýdóttir

What wonders will the new year have in store for us? We consulted some of Iceland’s best psychics (in our price range, subject to availability) to find out!

Towards the end of every year, some publications in Iceland release a forecast for the year to come. Never one to be left out of a hot trend, we decided to get in on the action, too. Here, then, are the bold and earth-shaking predictions we’ve made for the year to come.

1. The weather will be rather unpredictable in 2017. It will be windy.

2. A record number of tourists will visit Iceland.

3. A considerable amount of earthquakes will be recorded.

4. The next coalition government will be unpopular.

5.  Sigmundur Davíð Gunnlaugsson will become Prime Minister, but to make this absolutely clear, we are not sure in which country he’ll become PM, nor if that country is of this world.

6. A band that was really popular 15-20 years ago will play a sold out, overpriced concert in Iceland. After the gig a 43-year-old man will describe it to his wife as great, and that the band “hasn’t forgotten anything!” The band will claim that they “always wanted to come to Iceland” and that it had nothing to do with the fact that the króna is strong.

7. Iceland won’t win Eurovision.

8. Iceland’s football team will fade back into obscurity.

9.  A beloved artist will die, causing an outpouring of social media grief and unconditional love, absolutely disregarding that shameful period in the 90s.

10. Traffic will be hectic in 2017.

11. A month’s rent in Reykjavík will become approximately three months’ salary.

12. A volcano will erupt or show signs of activity.

13. Construction of a new hotel will finally finish in Reykjavik and a new bar will open.

14. A tourist will need to be rescued.

15. The state will sell some assets for a fraction of what they are worth. The lucky buyers will happen to be family members of the Prime Minister. In his defense, the right wing will claim that it’s “a pretty great family” and that “poor people should just stop being poor.”

16. A respected cultural figure will openly share their view that downtown Reykjavík is becoming a puffin shop.

17. The Prime Minister of Iceland will become entangled in a scandal involving an online dating service.

18. Color Run 2017 will be sold out.

19. A media company will be bought by Björn Ingi Hrafnsson, continuing to feed his insatiable appetite for troubled media companies. The Reykjavík Grapevine will continue to aggravate the Progressive Party in an ongoing effort to vie for his attention.

20. Icelanders will finally break their own record for purchases of new Range Rovers, that they previously set in 2007.

21. A Russian aircraft will fly close to Icelandic airspace in 2017.

22. A new study will reveal that something, previously thought very healthy, is actually not so healthy or even not healthy at all. This will add to the smugness of some, and have no effect on the rest. 

23. A public figure will appear on the cover of a glossy magazine speaking openly about alcoholism and substance abuse. After a short outrage following a scandal, the public will have sympathy for the public figure—continuing the unwritten agreement the nation has with itself that everybody gets one free “out” in life: alcoholism.

24. Boys will be boys in 2017. Some girls will also be boys. A few will be neither, both or other.

25. Someone will complain about the weather in 2017.

26. Someone will attempt a robbery with a needle.

27. Puffins will have a bad year.

28. The Reykjavík Grapevine will have roughly 500,000 readers in 2017. Consider forcing this issue into the hands of the next person when you’re done with it and saying with an authoritative voice, “Read!” We’re going to need unconventional tactics for this to come true.

29. An Icelandic tech startup will file for bankruptcy.

30. A movie score composed by an Icelander will be nominated for a prize in 2017.

31. Björk will still be cool in 2017. In a nationally broadcast speech, she will remove her luchador mask and claim “I was only kidding all this time, I’m really super normal.” A nation in shock will decide that being normal is the new cool and the original Queen B will hold her coolness. 

32. A food choice will continue to be the apex of moral superiority, overshadowing volunteering, altruism, and selfless heroism yet again.

33. A report will conclude that the glaciers of Iceland are smaller in 2017 than they have been before.

34. More young people will move away from Iceland than to Iceland.

35. A tourist will be found defecating where one shouldn’t.

36. Iceland’s elite counterterrorism unit will be called out to disarm a scarcely dressed, drunk man in his fifties, keeping his neighbors awake with clamor and outcries of obscenity while waving an umbrella.

37. Iceland will remain malaria-free.

38. At a Reykjavík grocery store, a strange insect will be found hiding in a box of fruit, having survived the trip to Iceland. Extensive coverage by the nation’s largest media will ensue.

39. A crowd standing in line before an opening of a new store will be the object of ridicule on social media.

40. A relatively famous, foreign marketing guru will hold a lecture in Iceland on how to market an event. Tickets will cost approximately $800.

41. A brand new restaurant will open downtown. Food will be great.

42. An internet “meme” aimed to change the world will surface. The “meme” claiming Iceland jailed its bankers and has free healthcare will not have the desired effect despite being accompanied by a great photo and showing an inspired employment of typography.

43. The President will do something mildly embarrassing but he is so adorable no one will even notice.

44. A lunar or astronomical event only visible from Iceland every 150 years or more will take place in 2017. The event will seemingly be greatly anticipated according to the amounts of posts on social media. Mysteriously only five people will actually remember to look out for the event and, to their disappointment, it will be a cloudy night.

45. On December 31st, Icelanders will bid 2017 farwell by exploding some 600+ tonnes of fireworks. Magically, through the smog, a new year should appear.

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