Words by

Greig Robertson

@greig_kaj

It’s three days until the Nigeria game, and the horde have taken some time of for relaxation, treatment and preparation as the world looks on. Here’s what’s going down at Camp Smite.

Gylfi misses training ahead of Nigeria match
After Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson was worryingly withdrawn against Argentina due to a calf problem, Gylfi Sigurðsson appears to have joined him on the treatment table, missing today’s training session. “The Viking Virtuoso” was absent for Everton’s run-in at the end of last season because of a knee injury and only started one game before The Smiting of Messi. The nature or severity of Gylfi’s problem is yet to be revealed, RÚV reports, but Heimir will be forced to address both fitness concerns before Friday’s match against Nigeria. Fortunately for our boys, Ólafur Ingi “The Shaman” Skúlason is chanting around the clock in a bid to get both warriors fit. Get well soon, lads.

Dodgy French ad presents Icelanders as Neanderthals
A French TV advert has depicted Icelanders as one-dimensional simpletons whose favour can be curried by initiating the Viking Clap in public spaces. In national lottery operator Française des Jeux’s betting commercial, a man is seen looking at his phone wearing only a towel after getting out of the shower. On his screen, the Iceland flag appears with the text “parier” or “to bet” below, which once clicked, teleports the man to an Icelandic bar. There, he is met with stern looks, until he begins the Viking Clap and the natives erupt into jubilation. We encourage anyone looking to become familiar with the much-maligned Viking Slap to emulate this trick down Prikið on a Friday night.

“The Snow Leopard” signs for Dijon
Rúnar Alex Rúnarsson has left Danish club FC Nordsjælland for French Ligue 1 side Dijon FCO, signing a four-year deal with the Burgundy club. French football outlet L’Equipe say that Rúnar is viewed as the long-term successor to current number one Baptiste Reynet, who is looking to move onto pastures new. Dijon president Olivier Delcourt looked forward to Rúnar’s “bright future under our colors,” while director Sebastien Larcier added “he’s technically gifted, has no fear of aerial play and is very good with his feet. He has the right temperament and bags of charisma.” As all Iceland fans know, Rúnar’s reactions are even sharper than the mustard. Bon chance!

Íslandsbanki employees skive to watch our boys
Even banks are supporting the will of the general populace in Iceland (specifically within the confines of the World Cup). Employees of Íslandsbanki will be allowed to finish work at 15:00 GMT so they can get behind Aron Einar’s Barmy Army as they take on Nigeria at the Volgograd Arena in their second tournament match this Friday, Morgunblaðið reports. A win would put our boys in a commanding position in Group D and Nigeria’s dour showing against a bang average Croatia side makes that eventuality all the more likely. Any weirdos who are desperate to do their banking in-match are advised to do so online. Áfram Ísland!

“The Viking Virtuoso’s” Russian doll towers above the rest
Russian doll depictions of Toni Kroos, Thomas Müller and Mo Salah rightly pale in comparison to Gylfi Sigurðsson, whose status as the world’s best creative midfielder has been confirmed. The cultural significance of Gylfi is also viewed as greater than Chinese General Secretary Xi Jinping in Russian souvenir shops, who quivers beneath Iceland’s’ number 10 in awe. No-one knows exactly why the world leader has been placed alongside some of the planet’s most famous footballers, but rumour has it that Xi’s personality cult is so wide-reaching that he is viewed by many as a silky midfielder who “can hit them” from range.

Elle and Vogue reputations tarnished as Iceland players snubbed from sexiest lists
Fashion rags Elle and Vogue have omitted all Iceland footballers from their respective “Hottest” lists, Iceland Monitor reports. In the former’s “Definitive List of the 65 Hottest Footballers You Should Root For at the World Cup,” there was no place for Birkir Bjarnason, Rúrik Gíslason or Hörður Björgvin Magnússon while spaghetti-haired loser Neymar and tragic minstrel fanatic Antoine Griezmann were included. The latter’s more modest “15 Very Attractive Reasons to Watch the 2018 World Cup” still managed to find space to objectify David Silva and Philippe Coutinho. Someone ask a Liverpool fan to start a petition, for the love of God.

99.6 percent of Icelanders watching TV tuned into Argentina match
Alfreð Finnbogason continued his meteoric rise on and off the pitch with a quip to Knattspyrnusambandið (The Icelandic Football Association) on Twitter. “99.6% of all people in Iceland watching TV during #ARGISL at @FIFAWorldCup were watching the match. That is some statistic. #fyririsland,” the FA wrote, to which Alfreð responded “the other 0.4% was on the pitch.” Inevitably, Twitter jobsworths squawked about the technicalities of his joke, but the good people of the world came through; 50,000 of them (approximately one seventh of Iceland’s population) liking “The Arctic Fox in the Box’s” tweet. Common sense, for once, prevails.

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