Words by

John Rogers

@jhnrgrs

Iceland smited World Champions France last night in a thrilling 2-2 draw at the Stage de Roudourou. They were only denied a famous rout by the visibly drunk referee, who caved to the teary-eyed home crowd by awarding France a bullshit nothing penalty on the 90th minute.

Our indomitable Vikings stormed the field completely in a wide-open, highly competitive fixture that was a replay of the Euro 2016 quarter final. The team was almost at full strength, with in-form Gylfi Sigurðsson zinging in passes towards the puma-esque runs of wild-eyed striking hotshot Alfreð Finnbogason. It was good ol’ “Horror Hooves”—Birkir Bjarnason—who opened the scoring, galloping upfield and hoofing a cross from Alfreð into the net on the 30th minute.

29: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Horror Hooves Birkir has stampeded one home against #FRA in tonight’s friendly: revenge for #Euro16 will be ours. It’s our density.#FRA 0-1 #ISL#FRAISL

— Reykjavík Grapevine (@rvkgrapevine) October 11, 2018

War horse

After half time, powerful old war horse Kári Árnason lashed home a second as the clock struck 58. The two teams tussled constantly in an end-to-end contest with plenty of flowing, attacking football.

The desperate France manager threw on young striker star Kylian Mbappe, who flashed a shot at Hannes Halldorsson; Hannes parried bravely, but the rebound went in for an own goal as Iceland smited themselves.

Tears of terror

Then, in the 90th minute, the Icelandic defenders leapt up like powerful breaching blue whales alongside the puny French attackers, who flopped the the turf like flapping, weakling mackerel, and the ridiculous penalty call came. Kylian rubbed away his tears of terror at facing Hannes, “The Smiter Of Messi,” and poked it softly over the line to equalise.

The whistle went, and it was official: the horde are as good at football as the World Champions. In fact, were it not for a weak-minded ref, who probably forgot his glasses, and is perhaps soon to have his cataracts removed, we’d be World Cup heirs apparent.

Iceland host Switzerland at Laugardalsvöllur for their UEFA Nations League rematch on Monday. If this game is anything to go by, it’ll be very different from the 6-0 drubbing we got last time.