From Iceland — Well, You Asked: Star Wars, God & Some Whining

Well, You Asked: Star Wars, God & Some Whining

Published November 11, 2019

Well, You Asked: Star Wars, God & Some Whining
Valur Grettisson
Photo by
Art Bicnick

I’m having a quarter-life crisis, help me?

Hm, okay, Does that mean you’re like 25 years old? Jesus, relax. My first advice would be don’t panic. Everyone will be dead in five years because of global warming, anyway, so don’t bother running the rat race that you feel like you’re losing already. Second advice? Grow up. Have a kid. Taking care of something other than your own fragile ego really takes the spotlight off yourself. After just a few minutes as a parent, you’ll embrace the end of the world.

The National Church…why?

Well, because the world is ending, and we like to give money to silly institutions rather than directly to people that actually need it. See, in Iceland, we enjoy paying people money to keep us scared of some fictional thing that is constantly threatening to send us to eternal flames. Who else would do it? And why is anything? Why is this a question? Go to hell, atheist.

How bad will the newest Star Wars movie be?

I’m glad that you asked! Let’s put it like this: Imagine yourself sullen and deformed after 10 years of nuclear winter. You have eaten all your friends (and their spouses), and you’re not sure if the radioactivity is the source of the constant screams in your head, or if it’s just the syphilis slowing eating through your kuru-infected brain, resulting in your brutal tremors and objectively hilarious loss of coordination. As you lose all control of your bowels, lying in your own filth and pus, you have one last lucid thought: Well, at least this isn’t as bad as ‘Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker.’

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