From Iceland — Horrortropes: Fantastical Fortunes

Horrortropes: Fantastical Fortunes

Published April 1, 2024

Horrortropes: Fantastical Fortunes
Catherine Magnúsdóttir
Photo by
Adobe Stock
Art Bicnick/The Reykjavík Grapevine

Don’t fear your fortune (or do, it’s up to you)

The Dark Lord Skuggamyrkur’s armies are beating down the forces of light. We are on the brink of collapse. In our moment of desperation, we turn to the Oracle of the Sun. What say they of days to come.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns, your talent has always been patience. And sometimes that’s a virtue, but the Dark Lord has shit to do — he can’t wait for you to be freed from your crystalline prison. Get going, Capricorn, Skuggamyrkur will be waiting!

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

With Uranus coming out of retrograde this month it’s time to move on. Darkness, lightness, it doesn’t concern yousness. Aquarius, this month you will board the ship and join your people in the lands of Elysium. Let the mortals burn. Beauty is timeless.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Keep your eyes open this month, Pisces, your empathy does not extend to all lifeforms. Living furniture? In this secret lair? They’re hungrier than you’d think.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This month you’ll face challenges head on. Blade in hand the many tendrilled servants of the Dark Lord stand no chance. The hordes will seem endless but… wait… I think… they have a cave troll!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Dark Lord? You’ll have never ‘eard of em’. You been in the caves swimmin’ in endless pile’ o’ gold. Yer biggest problem will be ‘em thieving Goblins. Keep ‘em out, I’d say.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This month you’ll find yourself immersed in ancient tomes in the Forgotten Library trying to discover the secrets of eternal life. Be careful, Gemini, more than crusty librarians lurk those halls.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, your intuitive nature leaves you open to new experiences. You alone will hear the whispers emanating from the Orb of Aeons. They will keep talking about sponsorship deals. Do not trust them.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Alright bigshot, you gotta reel it back. We all know you’re the prophesied king according to the Mad Fairie of the Glade, but this month try keeping that ego under wraps. And do not pull out the Sword on a first date.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo your extensive plans are normally fine, but this month it’s all going to shit. The thirteen goblins you’ve hired to raid the Dwarven dungeons will drive you insane. Just keep it together and try not to kill them yourself.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You seek balance in all things Libra, but this month that will be tested. Will you choose to align yourself with the Otherworldly Octopus Overlords or the Council of Eleven Elevated Elves?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll feel your inner Scorpio take over as you become even more secretive. The Sorcerers of the Secret Enclave will invite you to share in secrets. The choice is yours, but know that they are as secretive of their secrets as their name suggests.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, keep your eyes on the prize. This is not the month to start doing sidequests. The dragon will not wait for you to get shit done. Take aim and don’t fucking miss.

Well, the Oracle of the Sun just spewed a crock of shit. There’s nothing in here to help us defeat Skuggamyrkur. Alright lads, good luck to you, I’m headed to Elysium.

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