Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen

Photo by

The Internet

Yousa thinking dat the amateur astrologers of the Grapevine donta live in a galaxy, far, far away made of computer animations and stilted dialogue? How wude!

Aries

If you’re having any physical abnormalities this month, best head to a surgery center for some help. And if it’s named after a genocidal maniac? All the better! (Yeah, for reference, and this is real—the center Palpatine brought Anakin to after the fight with Obi-Wan is called the “Emperor Palpatine Surgical Reconstruction Center.” Apparently, one of Palpatine’s first acts after taking over the Senate was to name a hospital after himself. Good one, George Lucas. And if you’re unhappy with the adjustments, we heard the Lord Voldemort Psychological Institute has some great therapy options available—provided you’re a pureblood.)

Taurus

What are midi-clorians? Tbh, no one knows. So please don’t bring it up when you’re stoned at afterparties. Stick to more accessible questions, such as, “Yo… dude… how long do you think that tree outside has been there? I bet it’s seen some shit…”

Gemini

Are you a clone? Or does your grand plan to take over the universe as an immortal, endlessly supported by tubes with fucked nails seriously involve starting as a lowly politician on a random planet? So Gemini, first off, get your shit together. Order 66? Then the First Order? Then the Final Order? That just makes no sense. We know behind your back your friends are like, “Dude, I am lost,” but that said, it’s true Gemini energy to totally fail at everything and then pretend that that was all part of the plan. I guess pretending that you always wanted to lose two Death Stars and then be thrown down a shaft by your best friend is an ability that some might consider… unnatural.

Cancer

When dealing with trade disputes, there’s no one better than a Cancer to call on. Not only do you think quickly on your feet—and apparently run really fast—but you’re also totally immune to droid shots, which is an admirable trait. So in September, take on an international issue and throw yourself headfirst in it. We’d recommend global warming. What could go wrong?

Leo

Here’s a fun exercise to wow your friends at the post-COVID parties. Get them to describe certain characters without using their appearance or profession. Han Solo? A ruffian rogue with a heart of gold. Princess Leia? An outspoken fighter finding her place as a leader. C3P0? A tentative, nervous robot with a surprisingly courageous core. Now try Qui-Gon Jinn! He’s um, uh, well, you know…

Virgo

You said it best: “There’s always a bigger fish.” And with groundbreaking oceanic wisdom like that, Virgo, perhaps you should change your career from a wise soldier into some sort of oceanography or marine biologist or something. Scared of fish? Better get home before your bones start achin’.

Libra

For the next month, try to refrain from making jokes. They won’t land and instead, you’ll be the drunk girl downtown who bursts out with comments like “I don’t care where in Iceland you’re from, that’s gotta hurt!” or “Now that’s what I call partying!” This will certainly affect your future merchandising sales, which is *totally* not why you exist at all.

Scorpio

We get that there’s something strangely alluring about that kid you babysat ten years ago when he was 9 and you were 14 but just… don’t. Seriously, don’t. Everyone will be super weirded out by it, and it will totally overshadow any large, poetic love story you were supposed to share at your wedding. In fact you might end up getting married alone, accompanied only by your iPad or something.

Sagittarius

Stay away from the beach. You know why. (Unless you want to be an overused meme, that is, which is probably a Sag’s lifelong dream.)

Capricorn

Developing an exercise addiction will be a fine addition to your collection, Capricorn. Get that World Class subscription!

Aquarius

Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be just as useless as a droid army against like 10 Jedi. Just like poetry, it’ll rhyme.

Pisces

The stars warned us to never mention one line in this reading, but as Obi-Wan aptly stated, only a Pisces deals in absolutes. Which is, of course, an absolute in itself. Which makes us wonder—was using an absolute to say only evil people use absolutes some sort of subtle wisdom about how there really is no good or bad side? That both are hypocritical militias blinded by their own arrogance? Or are we giving you way too much credit when, really, you just say things you think sound cool as hell and deal with the consequences later?

Thanks to RedLetterMedia and Auralnauts for inspiration on this column.

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