Published September 8, 2018
Stuck in a tricky situation? Don’t worry, Grapevine’s advice column is here to help you.
I like putting piparsósa on hotdogs, instead of the traditional stuff. Does that mean I’m choosing not to integrate properly into Icelandic society?
Yes, that is exactly what it means. If you don’t cover your hot dogs in two types of onion, ketchup, “mustard,” and remoulade, you’re not actually a part of Icelandic society. Relatedly, it’s actually encoded in Icelandic law that publicly declaring that you dislike licorice is grounds for having your residence permit revoked. Love it or leave it, friendo.
Who do I sleep with to get my ÚTL permit sorted in a reasonable amount of time?
Dear J. Bowe,
This is a common misconception. It’s actually quite simple to get the Directorate of Immigration to approve your residence and work permit in a timely manner. Simply draw a pentagram into the ground with your passport under the light of a full moon, wrap yourself in the Icelandic flag, face north and chant “Þetta reddast” in a confident tone. Eventually, your permit will magically appear before you. It’s just common sense.
How do I convince my mum that homosexuality is not the product of the hormones fed to chickens in the 80s, who were in turn fed to healthy heterosexual children and turned them gay?
Dear F. Cloé,
As a member of the queer community, I find this shocking and offensive. Gayness is not the result of genetically modified chickens. It’s the result of chemtrails manufactured by Monsanto and funded by George Soros and Antifa. And we’re going to keep right on spraying until the whole damn world is gay. You can tell your mum you heard that right from the source.