As the European 2019-20 season heads to its climax, Iceland’s quest to be crowned the best Viking football horde in Europe looms ever closer. The Euro 2020 qualifiers are coming and, like the White Walkers marching into Westeros, we’re ready.
Euro trophy looking icy
Iceland are on track to win Euro 2020. The first step of the plan to invade and conquer European football will be qualification. On March 23rd, the horde will decimate Andorra with the power of a thousand swooping sea eagles; on the 25th, it’s time to terrify World Cup holders France into submission like a herd of wild bulls charging with unstoppably violent intent over a plain of deadly frozen tundra. Next to be put to the sword are Albania and Turkey in June, before the final skirmish against Moldova in September. After qualification comes the serious business of pillaging at the 2020 trophy, as written in the age-old prophetic sagas found buried in a cave on Langjökull by Erik Hamrén on a recent mushroom-induced vision quest.
Aron set his sails
The terrifying human battering ram, pro-level dragon wrestler and totemic bearded mage of the beautiful game, Aron “The Annihilator” Gunnarsson looks set to leave Cardiff at the end of the season. He signed a one year contract extension last summer after Iceland’s first ever foray into the World Cup and has been a mainstay of Cardiff’s defensive shield wall as they battle relegation. Indeed, after he returned from injury, Cardiff’s ship was immediately stabilised, and he’s even smashed in a goal against Wolves, and created one assist. However, Aron’s terrifying steely hellfire has reportedly caught the attention of clubs in the faraway empires of Qatar and China, which are offering to drape him in fine furs and jewels should he be willing to move east. Aged 29 and still at the peak of his powers, this contract may be the biggest of Aron’s career. We’ll report news of his deep deliberations as they come.
Gylfi smites goal record
The wondrous wizard, the smiter of ferocious beasts, the wing-boot’d warrior, he whose free kicks soar like a heart-lifting aria, the sweet-spot smiter, the top-corner terroriser, the bullseye bowman, the charging chimera, the suspiciously sorcerous sniper; Gylfi Sigurðsson is a wily prince who goes by many names. This season has, despite some travails, proven to be a fine vintage for Iceland’s midfield marksman. The Viking virtuoso belted in two in a 3-0 win against Aron Gunnarsson’s Cardiff, surpassing the legendary Einar Smári as Iceland’s all-time top scorer in the Premier League. He also equalled his own season best tally of eleven, having vowed just days before to smite it. Go Gylfi!
Finnbó is amazing pt. 3423424
The fleet-footed arctic fox in the box Alfreð Finnbogason joined a very select group in February when he scored his fourth Bundesliga hat trick. This places him on a triple-threat par with the fearsome bald barbarian Arjen Robben and Arsenal hitman Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, two of the top-rated attackers in European football. A terminally underrated player, Alfreð only sits behind Mario Gómez (12), Robert Lewandowski (8) and Claudio Pizarro (6) on all time Bundesliga hat tricks. If he keeps banging them in at this rate, eventually his name will be inked onto the scroll of top-tier strikers where it belongs.
“The Berginator” scythes sorry Spurs under Presidential orders
Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson heeded warlord-in-chief and Ice Prez Guðni Thorlacius Jóhannesson’s orders to tar and feather his opponents at Turf Moor last Saturday. “The Berginator” entered the fray with the score finely poised at Burnley 1-1 Spurs, with his commander watching on like a proud father from the stands. A mere three minutes later, the winger wizard set up Ashley Barnes for the winner, disemboweling the North Londoners’ back-line and burning their title hopes to a cinder. After the game, Jói posed victoriously with the President, having added another scalp to add to his collection.