The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists first off want to remind the world that it’s Christmas, which means it’s acceptable to binge every Vanessa Hudgens Christmas movie. All hail The Knight Before Christmas. We are not worthy.
Aries, we respect the hustle you’ve put into perfecting “Into The Unknown” for your annual family Christmas karaoke. Unfortunately, there’s some incoming bad news: Due to a bad run-in with 40 years of smoking, your grandma has been deemed high-risk and you’ll have to wear a mask the entire time. But don’t panic Aries, for it’s actually a holiday blessing in disguise. There’s just no way you could ever both belt like Idina and rock that classical riff like Aurora. Pathetic.
I bet a quasi-pagan like you is awaiting Yuletide whilst lamenting Christmas consumerism, but maybe it’s time to admit that if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them. You secretly love The Polar Express and you know what? That’s okay. The hot chocolate scene is pretty lit, and if you’re honest with yourself, you’d rather watch that than The Nightmare Before Christmas (which you’ve been playing on repeat since Halloween in an attempt to uphold your witchy aesthetic).
You’re not special for not liking Christmas, Gemini. You’ve announced this every year to seem edgy and every year no one has cared. Unlike Emma Roberts in Holidate, no one is going to fall in love with you because of your pick-me girl Grinch vibes. So put on a Christmas jumper and get over yourself.
Hanukkah HELP!: What can you, a shiksa goddess, do to turn from a Macca-don’t to the star of all seven nights? It’s easy, just use your Goy-YUM charm to marry a nice Jewish boy like Joseph Gordan Levitt or Seth Cohen. Mazel Tov and welcome to the family. *squeezes cheeks*
Yes Leo, you were right. Despite what your bitchy roommate says, you ARE Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. And despite what those bitchy Hollywood bigwigs say, you WOULD end up with Jude Law.
The stars have something very special in mind for you, Virgo. They wouldn’t tell us what, but we’re pretty sure it involves buying a one-way ticket to a generic yet quaint European country with a monarchical system and somehow getting in the way of a certain prince or princess. Get ready for your emotional barriers to be broken down, and to learn something poignant about the true meaning of Christmas. Because you’re worth it.
The best way to get in touch with your inner Grýla is to blast Ariana Grande’s “Greedy”. Don’t forget to carry around your cat dramatically.
Scorpio, just because you can sell your hometown to a mall developer doesn’t mean you should. Get ready to be visited by Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. It’s about time we saw some character development from you, you fucking sociopath.
For a born and bred Sagittarius like yourself, the holidays are merely an excuse to drink, eat treats, and re-connect with childhood flames. This year is no different, except your alcohol tolerance is off-the-roof, you’ve eaten way too many sweets to care, and your childhood flame is currently in quarantine. Blast.
Realising that you’ve already put a lot of energy into organising Christmas festivities—you even got your lights up before your neighbours!—treat yourself by getting plastered at the family dinner and calling out your racist relatives. In front of their kids.
It’s that time of year again: time to remind everyone, both in person and across social media platforms, that well actually Christmas has pagan roots and is derived from the Roman holiday of Saturnalia. We assure you, people are very grateful for this reminder and do not at all roll their eyes every single year when you bring this up.
Too scared to tell your family that you stopped celebrating Christmas years ago, you will once again buy a round of gifts for your relatives, send out plenty of thank-you cards, and dutifully report for family dinner in the most hideous Christmas sweater you can find. You can always tell them next year, right?
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