Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen

Photo by

Adobe Stock

In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur single astrologists break down your upcoming weeks based on shit like leaves on the bottom of tea cups, like they even exist.

Aries
Do you know what’s worth fighting for? When it’s not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away? And you feel yourself suffocating? If you didn’t immediately start bumping one of the best concept albums of all time after reading those four questions, Aries, it’ll be a green day in hell before you have a good day in quarantine. Throw up your arms and accept your emo roots or you’ll be… in ruins.

Taurus
In 2001, then-unknown-chanteuse Willa Ford sold over 250,000 copies of her pole dance banger “I Wanna Be Bad.” She also had a three year relationship with Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and potentially fucked Eminem, yet you never hear about this blonde Jezebel in the 2000s history roundups. What does that tell us Taurus? Maybe being slutty isn’t the answer. Especially when you can’t leave your house.

Gemini
There are 525,600 minutes in a year, Gemini, a fact we only know because of the RENT song. But while others might measure their 2020 in love, you should consider measuring yours in OnlyFans subscribers. For you, my love, being slutty is the answer—the answer to being financially independent at least.

Cancer
Don’t listen to the haters. There’s nothing wrong with crying to Kim Kardashians’s forgotten 2011 banger “Jam (Turn It Up)”. We do it all the time. Just kidding—people don’t gossip about us behind our back like they do to you. They just praise us.

Leo
When My Chemical Romance asks if you want to hear something sad, there’s only one response, Leo, and that is “please.” It’s Okay (I Promise).

Virgo
Let that social distancing existential breakdown in, Virgo, because there’s gotta be more to life than just chasing down every temporary high to satisfy you, right? The more you’re tripping out thinking there must be more to life… well… that’s life… right? Wow, you’re high-high. Slow down on the weed, bro, because there is more to life than just chasing down every temporary high to satisfy you. We promise.

Libra
Cobra Starship and Blair Waldorf famously made them good girls go bad, but it seems like all you can do is make the bad boys get worse. Maybe it’s your shutter shades or maybe it’s the X’s on the back of your hands that you wash in the bathroom to drink with the band, or maybe it’s the fact that you knew the latter was a reference to a 3OH!3 song, not a Cobra Starship hit. Use this pandemic to grow up, stop trusting hoes, and start listening to Radiohead like all the other sad people.

Scorpio
We get your paranoia: there IS something eerily similar about O-Towns “All or Nothing” and “Drowning” by the Backstreet Boys. How has no one talked about this? Why are there no Buzzfeed think-pieces on this scandal? HOW HAS THIS GONE IGNORED FOR 20 YEARS? WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CORONAVIRUS WHEN WE SHOULD DISCUSS HOW SOME SONGWRITER OF THE BACKSTREET BOYS STOLE SOME PART OF A LESSER BOYBAND’S ACHIEVEMENT AND NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT IT? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHEN CAN I LEAVE MY ROOM AND GO OUTSIDE? SOMEBODY CALL JA RULE! I NEED TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS!!

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, stop going live on Instagram just so you can rant about how ‘Camp Rock’ was wildly superior to ‘High School Musical’. In fact, stop going live at all. We get that you’re an attention whore dreaming of a life where you’re the shining star, but maybe you should use this time to look inside yourself. Yes, “This Is Me” could have—and should have—been the “Let It Go” of a generation, but if you keep ranting about it on your kitchen floor á la Trisha Paytas, you’ll never find the Joe to your Demi.

Capricorn
You listen to Coldplay so your opinions don’t matter. We’re not justifying this. It’s a fact.

Aquarius
We agree: Viking Metal is cool, regardless of what online elitists think. You pop that Amon Amarth on and escape to a world where you aren’t unemployed because some people halfway around the world made some bizarre food choices.  Real Vikings only eat raw meat anyway. Wait… raw meat… oh shit…

Pisces
Forget “Savage,” the only song you should be learning all the dance moves to is “The Hoedown Throwdown.” We’re not accepting any arguments, Pisces. Don’t even talk to us until you can pop it, lock it and, most importantly, polka dot it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxpDgVbF4Wg

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