If 2020 was a drink, it’d be Dasani. If it were a TV character, it’d be Georgina Sparks from Gossip Girl. Synthetic marijuana, the Inbetweeners reunion special, a Jake Paul diss track, soggy okra, Britney’s 2007 VMAs performance, Randy from That 70s Show, and ‘Mean Girls 2’—the year 2020 is all of this and more.
Basically, what we’re saying is that 2020 is awful and we never asked for it. We get that you’re struggling—who wouldn’t be?
Well, not us. We at the Grapevine have spent our pandemic time eating clean, meditating, reorganising our houses, creating mood boards, getting creative, and—obviously—working out a ton. It’s been a productive and spiritually-enriching time for our editorial staff and we’re confident we will be returning to the office better and more centred than ever.
Let’s not beat around the bush: This whole situation kind of sucks and we’re all having difficulty dealing with it. To help you (and us) out, we’ve put together this list of self-help tips:
You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better get that shut eye, idiot.
Look, it’s easy when you’ve got so much free time on your hands—and little to do with it—to start staying up until the wee hours on Reddit, sleeping in all day, and then repeating ad nauseam. Doing this is easy and while it might feel fun—a dip back into the uni days—it’s an extremely bad habit to get into as fucking up your circadian rhythm has a host of unpleasant effects, from messing with your REM sleep and making you depressed to putting you at risk for a whole host of awful diseases. And do you need your immune system compromised right now? Um, no.
More importantly, wasting your precious daylight hours sleeping will also make you feel like shit. Humans aren’t made to live in total darkness or artificial light. It’s a recipe for disaster. Remember: Just because something feels good—like heroin—does not make it self-care.
So be mature and make a concerted effort to go to sleep at a reasonable hour every night and wake up in the morning. Fixing your sleep pattern is not easy, but it’ll have a tangible and easily seen benefit in your life. Our tips? Try keeping away from your bed during the day so you’ll learn to associate it with sleep and reading a book before you go to bed rather than looking at your phone. It’s not rocket science people.
If all else fails and you’re already in bed and still can’t relax, pop on some tingling ASMR videos. From tapping long nails to crinkling tissue paper to cutting soap to having someone whisper sweet nothings in your ear, there’s something for everyone that’ll chill you out.
Don’t stress, we know just what you’re sayin’
There are some weird wannabe-messiahs out there in the world who have taken this opportunity to spread their gospel of productivity. According to these influencers, every moment of your isolation day should be meticulously planned out and used for good. Write a book! Take up yoga! Make your own bread! Learn a language! Look at the clean vegan food I’ve meal-prepped for the next month with my tan glowing skin while I hawk supplements and FashionNova! I was on ‘The Bachelor’ and now I’m rich and I’ve got my shit together! You don’t! How does that make you feel, you disgusting failure?
What an apocalyptic nightmare we’ve entered.
Remember that social media is a highlight reel of curated content that people WANT you to see. That means that everyone is going to post about the time they spent creating a bullet journal of their creative ambitions or did 20 push-ups and no one is going to post about the time they spent two hours stalking the cast of ‘Too Hot To Handle’ on Instagram. Don’t lie—we’ve all done it.
It’s a delicate balance. We would never tell you not to set some goals and try to better yourself during this pandemic—you should, it’ll definitely help your mental health—but don’t sweat it if you want to take some time to just exist. For the first time in recent history, society is forcing us to take a break from real life. Rest if you need to. Indulge in frivolous bullshit if you want to. Find some goals you want to accomplish but don’t stress if your progress doesn’t match some people on Instagram. It probably won’t, and that’s ok.
As Adore Delano would say: PARTY!
Many people are isolating and relapsing into bad social habits during this time. With no concerts or events , days can blur together, which might make you feel aimless and lost. C’mon, suddenly making fun of Rebecca Black for knowing that yesterday was Thursday feels a bit cruel, doesn’t it? What day is it again?
To combat this, do your best to make some time special and memorable. Schedule online chats with friends, but turn them into extravaganzas. Have a spa night where everyone spoils themselves with face masks, a fancy afternoon where you get dressed up in your slutty club clothes, or a 2000s throwback party where you can finally don that sequin cropped shrug.
Need more ideas? Start a book club with something fun and ridiculous like Holly Madison’s memoir about her time in the Playboy Mansion. Put together a task force to finally figure out the Zodiac cypher. Interview your exs to find out what went wrong. Ok, we’re kidding with the last one.
When times get really bad, escape into YouTube. Unlike Netflix, Hulu, or what-have-you, it’s free and if you search hard, you’ll be blessed with more bizarre content than you can handle. Someone eating 100,000 calories in a day? Yes please. Pranking your boyfriend with a fake miscarriage? Total exists. Weird documentaries “proving” that Bill Gates is behind the COVID-19 pandemic? Watched it! Loved it!
At this time, I (personally) enjoy commentary YouTubers like Danny Gonzales, Drew Gooden, Kurtis Conner, and Tom Harlock. For more spectacular fun, I’m always re-watching Jojo Gomez choreography, Tanya Hennessy sketches, and RedLetterMedia film reviews. I’m kind of a YouTube fiend, so if you’re looking for more ideas, feel free to email me.
We also cannot underplay how good a nice Vine compilation is in moments like these. They are literally hand-selected to make you giggle. So stop, friends, before you drop your croissant, and take care of yourself. The Grapevine loves you, bitch. And the Grapevine ain’t never gonna stop lovin’ you…bitch.
As ever, those looking for more information or advice should go to the Icelandic Government’s excellent COVID-19 help page.
Tune into our daily COVID-Cast for a deeper dive into the day’s developments.
Note: Due to the effect the Coronavirus is having on tourism in Iceland, it’s become increasingly difficult for the Grapevine to survive. If you enjoy our content and want to help the Grapevine’s journalists do things like eat and pay rent, please consider joining our High Five Club.
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