Words by

John Rogers and Greig Robertson

@greig_kaj

Photo by

Art Bicnick

The day of reckoning is here. As Iceland prepare for their historic showdown with Messi’s Argentina, here’s the latest news from the camp.

Our boys train at the Spartak Stadium ahead of today’s battle with Argentina
All 23 of Heimir’s horde “trained” yesterday at the Spartak Stadium in preparation for today’s unholy smiting of Lionel Messi’s Argentina. Our boys’ methods, however, were far from conventional…

Messi and Di María get the fear
Inside sources have been telling us about the pre-game night terrors experienced by key members of the traumatised Argentina squad. Ángel Di María and Lionel Messi experienced some strange phenomena as they tossed and turned nervously in the team hotel. It’s rumoured that Sergio Aguero had to be coaxed in from his own balcony, where he was staring at the Moscow skyline murmuring about Valhalla. We’re all excited about the game, but it’s rumoured that the Argentina coach has a locksmith on standby to get his players out of their rooms. Let’s hope for the best.

Icelandic FA President Guðni Bergsson insists knockouts are achievable
Former Tottenham Hotspur and Bolton Wanderers defender and current President of the Icelandic Football Association Guðni Bergsson told TalkSport this morning that our boys “are not here just to make up the numbers” in Russia. While highlighting that Iceland’s style is different to the other more technical sides in the group, he insisted that progression from the group was realistic. “We’re here to try and qualify from our group and get to the Round of 16 without a doubt,” Guðni asserted. “We’re up against it today against the mighty Argentina but we will give them a game for sure.” DEATH OR GLORY.

Ronaldo comes to embrace Iceland’s “small mentality”
After completing his hat-trick with a sublime free-kick that earned Portugal a share of the spoils against Spain in yesterday’s 3-3 thriller, Ronaldo was rather strangely seen celebrating his side’s performance. Despite sniffing at Iceland’s reaction to the 1-1 draw with The Navigators at Euro 2016, Cristiano certainly seemed to have changed his tune when the Superflys were on the other foot. It’s almost as if he has come to appreciate that a point can feel like three when your team – with a sprinkling of quality and luck – thwarts an opponent with far more talent at its disposal. All aboard the “small mentality” longboat.

Icelandic companies pledge to donate millions to UNICEF for every Icelandic goal
Icelandic businesses have joined forces during the World Cup, pledging to donate 2,25 million ISK to UNICEF for every goal scored by our boys. The money will be used to provide recreational kits that contain footballs, toys, school bags and school supplies for children in refugee camps and disaster areas all over the world. The pharmaceutical company Alvogen has already donated 3 million ISK, providing 150 reacreational kits should Iceland fail to score at the World Cup and will also be contributing 1.000.000 ISK to the goal kitty. Nordurál, Alvotech, Eimskip and Vördur Insurance have stumped up the remaining cash. No pressure, Gylfi.

Bitter English press tries to piss on Iceland’s bonfire
Bourgeois bores Barney Ronay and Miguel Delaney’s attempts to sap every sinew of joy from international football fell on deaf ears on Twitter yesterday evening. Guardian writer Ronay told his 90,000 Twitter followers: “Have enjoyed the feel-good narrative of the last few years but it might be time for Iceland to lose 8-0 to Argentina,” to which the Independent’s Delaney replied “It definitely is. The American media are severely over-invested in the story. We had all this endearing stuff two years ago. It’s been done.” Notoriously wise sports writer Jacob Steinberg then waded in, calling both men “scum.” Not to be bitter, but we feel Jacob is our kind of guy.

Gordon Ramsay pledges allegiance to the red, white and blue
Apoplectic celebrity chef swear monster Gordon Ramsay pledged his support to Iceland in a typically silver-tongued Twitter post. Alongside a video – in which Ramsay encouraged Mo Salah’s Egypt after realising that Scotland, Azerbaijan and Italy had failed to qualify – the TV behemoth wrote on Twitter: “I forgot to wish #Iceland good luck! Can’t wait for the #WorldCup Thursday!!!” To Gordon, we’d like to extend our kindest regards by saying “ey, big boy, come over here. It’s fucking fantastic that you’re getting behind our boys in Russia. Yes?!” You’re welcome in Iceland any time.

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