Disclaimer: This is The Grapevine’s BAD ADVICE column. It’s where Nanna Árnadóttir answers questions from our readers about traversing the Icelandic cultural jungle. She is usually nice, but really rather bad at giving advice…
I’ve been in Iceland about a month now; I’m not here long term or anything, only a year. I met a local girl at a party two weeks back and we went home together. I’ve met her maybe two or three times since then, always random in bars and we slept together every time. Anyway, I figured we were just casual, after all we’ve only slept together like a handful of times, but I’m beginning to get the impression that she thinks we’re more serious? Like in a relationship. Is that normal?
Confused and Casual
Dear Confused and Casual,
Holy shit, you slept with the same Icelandic girl three times in a row? You guys are basically married now, are you sure she’s not pregnant? Only joking—Icelandic people wait three months before they knock each other up.
In Iceland, girls and boys like to test drive the merchandise before they make an informed decision about whether or not they are genuinely interested in you. This is why the world calls Icelandic girls (never boys) sluts, because often girls and boys here sleep with you before they decide if they can stand you. Is it normal? It is to us.
If you have found yourself in a situation where you’ve slept with an Icelandic person three times, chances are you are now in a relationship. This is because Icelanders don’t really date. We skip the courtship and go straight to the relationship, but before you start hyperventilating, you can just dump her. You see it works both ways, you can get together easily but you can break up easily too. I mean really, let’s be perfectly honest, she’ll be fine without you. Who do you think you are? Someone hot? Can I have your number? I promise I won’t call (lie).
I’m going on holiday with my family to Iceland in July, I’m queer and I want to visit a gay club with all those beautiful Icelandic girls I hear so much about. Where should I go and is there a chance Icelandic lesbians will like a butch girl like me?
Küsse, Butch in Berlin
Dear Butch in Berlin,
Hell yeah Icelandic lesbians love butch German girls, what’s not to love? I am a little disconcerted that you are visiting Iceland with your family. You’re not 14 are you? Oh who am I kidding, who in Iceland wasn’t eating pussy at 14? Provided you are the age of consent, I recommend you check out Gay46 on Hverfisgata. It’s a warm and welcoming place, I recommend it. Did you know that lesbians have an STD transmission rate of like 0.1%? True story! And an excellent reason to drown yourself in Icelandic lady juice I add. We taste like chicken. No only joking, we taste like pussy.
Who should I book with for the The Golden Circle tour? – J Cox
I don’t know. Google it.
What’s the best time of year to visit Iceland, why, and what’s the music like there at the moment?
Maybe Tourist, Brisbane, Australia
Dear Maybe Tourist,
The best time to come to Iceland is at the end of January because that way you avoid the boring and obvious stuff, like the midnight sun, New Year’s Eve and Iceland Airwaves.
Some might tell you that going to Iceland in January is a mistake but don’t listen. Airfare is cheaper, hotels aren’t overbooked, and the locals are lonelier and looking to fill the empty hole inside them with rampant buggery. Is there next to no sunlight? Yes. Is it as cold and grey as a dead polar bear’s butthole? Also yes. Is it the period in which the highest numbers of tourists die from getting lost in the Icelandic wilderness? I don’t know, I don’t have the statistics to back that up, but if I were to guess I would say maybe.
As for music, hands down the best in Iceland right now is the totally straight Garðar Thór Cortes who has squeezed out emotionally charged turds songs like “Hunting High and Low” or “Sacrificial Love” and then there’s always Geir Ólafsson.
Have fun! Nanna
Got a question for Nanna and need some bad advice? Email email@example.com and you might get an answer published in a future issue.