Disclaimer: This is The Grapevine’s BAD ADVICE column. It’s where Nanna Árnadóttir answers questions from our readers about traversing the Icelandic cultural jungle. She is usually nice, but really rather bad at giving advice…
I’ve started casually seeing this Icelandic guy and every time we have sex it’s a struggle to get him to wear a condom. I admit sometimes I slip or cave in and we have sex without one. How do I make him wear one or at least like it more?
Condomless in a Conundrum
Dear Condomless in a Conunundrum,
I have some bad news for you. You have contracted a crusty, pus-filled disease that’s camping out your vagina. Chlamydia rates in Iceland are very high because Icelandic men are too cheap to buy condoms. So it’s over for you. How about in the future you keep three condoms in your wallet? If you meet someone you want to have sex with, chances are you’ll do it twice, the third one you can keep in case you meet a walking penis or a sexy lamp post on the way home. Also start hiding condoms in places you know you’re going to have sex, like the toilet at Prikið or in the napkin dispenser at Bæjarins Bestu. You can’t make this guy like it, but just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you won’t do it to get laid, just ask the ex I used to make wear my knickers on the outside of his trousers like a lacy superhero.
I’m an exchange student at the University of Iceland and since I got here I found myself drinking a lot. The other day I even blacked out. I’m a little nervous I might be developing a problem.
Drunk in 101
Dear Drunk in 101,
I have created a cocktail in your honour called Drunk in 101. It’s Brennivín mixed with Opal shots and malt and twelve cigarettes and a call to your ex girlfriend where you cry and then a fist fight with that Spanish guy at the end of the bar and some taking your pants off and wondering if you can get access to porn on your iPhone. You can. If you think you have a real problem though just check into rehab or go to an English speaking AA meeting, Iceland has plenty quitter! Where did I put my beer?
Got a question for Nanna and need some bad advice? Email firstname.lastname@example.org and you might get an answer published in the next issue of Grapevine.