Disclaimer: This is The Grapevine’s BAD ADVICE column. It’s where Nanna Árnadóttir answers questions from our readers about traversing the Icelandic cultural jungle. She is usually nice, but really rather bad at giving advice…
Recently I saw in my local supermarket that they were selling “Boy” and “Girl” ice creams where the “Girl” ice cream wrapper was pink and the “Boy” ice cream wrapper was blue! My girl picked the pink and then her brother (my youngest) picked the pink also and my daughter made fun of him! I was so shocked. I never expected that my girl was so stuck on stereotypes. I’ve really tried hard to teach my kids that boys can like pink and girls can like blue but it doesn’t seem to have gotten through. Any advice?
Best, Gender Construction Sucks
Dear Gender Construction Sucks,
I’m shocked you didn’t give your daughter a medal for putting your wussy pink-loving son in his rightful place (are you sure he even has a penis?). Boys are supposed to love blue and girls are supposed to love pink and the only people who don’t think that way are fat, ugly and easily offended hard-line feminists.
I know this because once upon a time I had the misfortune of meeting a feminist. She kept saying things like gender binary and hetero-normity and I swear it had adverse effects on my manicure. In fact just hearing the phrase social construction splits the seams in my girdle.
I felt deep shame when Iceland insisted on negotiating with these gender terrorists and pulled this product off the Icelandic food market following a public outrage. We are playing with fire here lady, first the pink and blue ice creams, then they’ll let women become prime ministers and boys become nurses! Wait…
My advice for you is to whip your boy into shape. Force him to play with cars and toy weapons, if he reaches for a doll, hit him in the face with a cooking appliance. If we don’t ensure our children live up to stereotypes we risk instilling in society a sense of equality and mutual respect between the genders and who the hell could possibly want that? Not me, that’s who.
I read that in Iceland you have elves and hidden people. In one YouTube video a girl even talked about how she had sex with them. If I wanted to meet a hidden person or an elf, how would I go about it?
Listen, I don’t know how to break this to you so I’m just going to give it to you straight. You aren’t about to give any elf blowjobs. Hidden people don’t exist, loser. Árni Björnsson, ethnologist and author of ‘Saga Daganna’ (Icelandic Feasts and Holidays), has suggested the whole myth was started by—what else—home made liquor.
In the olden days on Christmas Eve, someone was usually left behind to watch the farm while everyone else went to church or to some awesome house party. Sometimes the poor sod who got left behind would then be approached by a lonely homeless drifter looking for a good time with some sweet nectar. Given a choice between getting drunk with a questionable hobo or sitting quietly and waiting around for everyone to come home most people went for the dodgy drinking binge. Then by the time everyone got home and found the guy in charge pissing himself and acting a fool, they made the only logical jump, that elves drove him temporarily mad. But yeah, you’re not going to make any elf friends, you could make friends with some homeless people though.
Got a question for Nanna and need some bad advice? Email firstname.lastname@example.org and you might get an answer published in a future issue.
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