You asked. We answered. You ignored our advice. We’re so done with you.
“I’d love to move to Iceland! I hear that the position of US Ambassador has just become available. Any application tips, please?”
We at The Grapevine have zero experience as career guidance counsellors. But since that doesn’t seem to matter, here goes.
If you’ve never visited Iceland in your life, that’s a good start. And if you have no previous experience of international diplomacy, so much the better.
An ability to demonstrate long, inexplicable absences from work in a previous position would be helpful, as would an aptitude for blithely mislabelling lethal pandemics using ethno-prejudiced misnomers.
A desire to surround yourself with beefy local bodyguards and ride gangsta in a bullet-proof whip would certainly enhance your application. Just be sure to detail your mafia boss fantasies clearly on your application form. You’ll be a shoo-in!
“I just got locked out of Robinhood to stop me trading Gamestop stock. What investment advice can you offer while I wait to get back in?”
Grapevine suggests going long on pork bellies. Or perhaps that should be longing for pork on short bellies. We’re not sure, but either way you should cover your position—and your pork belly, if you have one—against a short squeeze. Do feel free to give your own pork belly a short squeeze, though, if that causes your stock to rise.
Don’t lose your shirt, don’t lose your shit and remember that Robin Hood, the first dealer in kleptocurrency, robbed the poor to give to the rich. And we know all about that. Back in the mid-noughties, we put all our pocket money in Icesave. D’oh.
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