Words by

Catherine Magnúsdóttir and Charlie Winters

Photo by

Wikimedia Commons

Will you swoon or sink in the month ahead? It’s all in the stars.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single star sign in possession of good fortune must be in want of romantic advice. As experts of love, here’s how we think you will fair this summer season as the grand ball approaches.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A mother hen should keep all her chicks in order. Your daughters will be acting less than couth and the family honour will hang in the balance. You must act quickly and get them all married off… or else.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

You want to marry for love? Silly child. Think of your position! Your family’s expectations. The inferiority of their birth by rank! You’ll sully our name, Aquarius, if you continue on this path.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

While there can be no question as to the speed of your wit, the quality, however, leaves much to be desired. Pisces, you must learn to hold your tongue, or you’ll never find a suitable match.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

All manner of esteemed guests will positively swoon as you preen your newest war scars. Careful Major Aries, not everyone can handle such a powerful aura.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You may pride yourself on many enviable qualities Taurus, such as your exemplary croquet skills, but it is beneficial to remember that when attempting to court it isn’t about winning the game as much as it is about winning their heart.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Worry not, Gemini, eventually you will come of age. Soon comes the changing of your years and you will be thrust into the fastidious duel that is courtship. Keep your wit at the ready and perhaps we will see you on the other side.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A heart of gold with no head to match, you are a sweet child, Cancer. This month, you will have no difficulty finding a mate if you are to seek within your own class. Social hierarchies are merciless.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo, heartbreak is hard to heal. This month, you will spend plenty of time by the ocean, looking upon the waves, wondering where it all went wrong. It will get better, Leo, and spinsterhood isn’t all that bad.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your precise and analytical mind is much suited to matters of business, yet the constantly changing social dynamics of a ballroom are a nightmare to navigate. Stick to the corners Virgo, perhaps you’ll find another like yourself.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are widely known and admired for your charm, but we warned! Vultures circle their prey for longer than you’d think. Your social and diplomatic skills will be put to the test and failure means you’ll have to move to… the country. One shudders to imagine.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Nobility are drawn to you like moths to a burning flame. But Scorpio, your rakish ways have often left those who come too close burned by your scorn. If you keep this up, you’ll be left with neither support nor sums. Loneliness is its own curse.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I know you’re optimistic, Sagittarius. But you have no money and no prospects. You’re already a burden to your parents. I’m frightened for you. It isn’t certain if you’ll be offered marriage again!

Well, we hope your dance cards are full now and your hearts have found their perfect match. If not, we are hardly to blame, it will be you who choose to wear that appalling garb to the estate. Find a new tailor and your reputation might yet still be salvageable.