From Iceland — Horror-Scopes: WHAT VACCINE ARE YOU??


Published May 25, 2021

Hannah Jane Cohen
Photo by
Adobe Stock

As ethereal floating beings that live in the depths of the cosmos, the Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists are naturally immune to all diseases except for hysteria and general malaise. That said, they are still doing their best to spread their ample vaccines to all of humanity (except for telemarketers, obviously). Here’s the vaccine you should choose, according to the best and brightest psychics in the Grapevine office.


Good ole’ Moderna for the good ole’ Aries! As naturally responsible gals, you, as opposed to dangerous wildcards like Scorpios and Geminis, can be trusted to wait the appropriate four weeks between shots and post-shot two weeks before you begin to venture out of your 2020 hardcore mask/social distancing lifestyle. Others are not so dependable.


Remember the CanSino vaccine? Probably not. It was the one China approved way back in June, 2020 and the rest of the world sort of silently ignored because they were too busy talking about Carole Baskin or making sourdough or something. As non-medical professionals, we don’t exactly know why no one took the CanSino vaccine seriously, but that said, it’s a situation we know you’re rather familiar with, Taurus. What’s it like to always be ignored due to your bad marketing?


You are Johnson & Johnson. One dose of you is more than enough.


Always one for setting a trend, you were an early COVID-denier, Cancer. At the beginning, it was a fun, edgy way for you to stay relevant in your various social media feeds, but now, you’re trapped in the conspiracy communities, shunned by your family, ditched by your partner and not allowed into any of your fav stores due to your Karen-like aversion to masks. Though you desperately want a vaccine, you’ll probably just hold out until everyone else has one lest you have to—gasp!—admit you made a mistake.


A walking controversy—always—a Leo is best exemplified by the controversial Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine. Why? Because after allegedly causing a few blood clots (waaaaaaaaaaaaay less than birth control does, not that anyone cared), the world made a rather large media fuss about you for a week or so. And if there’s anything Leos are known for, it’s making a mountain out of a molehill and then gaslighting everyone into thinking they are the crazy ones for getting worked up about it.


Let’s be real. You already had COVID, and you definitely added it to the list of your woe-is-me-the-world-is-against-me problems. But just remember, Virgo—you were the one who forwent the mask because it didn’t match your outfit.


Always in-the-know, you’re the Novavax a.k.a. the next big vaccine on the market, bby. Trudeau and the U.K. already ordered tens of millions of you and we can probably expect to start seeing your name everywhere soon. But if that’s out, feel free to grab the CureVac, the next-next big vaccine on the market. Of course, you already knew that.


Putin tested the Sputnik vaccine on his daughter before it was widely distributed. Seems like something a Scorpio would do, right? Maybe. In case Putin reads this, we’re not saying anything more than we are huge fans of your daughter’s rock’n’roll aerobic dancing and, to be honest, we think you’re kind of a hot dude and we’ve had a few naughty dreams about you doing some bad boy political stuff to us. Seriously, why do you have such sexual magnetism? Maybe it’s just a side effect.


You were first big one, bursting onto the scene like some twinks at a gay bar when “Toxic” begins playing. Yup, the famed Pfizer vaccine is the epitome of a Sag lifestyle. You showed up, you dominated and you’ve cemented your name as one of the GOATs of the vaccine world. Polio could NEVER!


Weirdly enough, your computer keeps crashing every time you try to book a vaccine appointment. Is this fate or merely the result of your frugalness, which caused you to not only buy a shitty computer but the cheapest wifi package too? Who knows? In conclusion, no vaccine for you.


The underdog of the stars, you, dear Aquarius, are the Carnivac-Cov, Russia’s new animal-only vaccine. Basically, you’re gonna save the Danish mink industry and become a national hero. An underdog no longer.


GET THEM ALL. We’d expect nothing less from the most prolific overachiever we know.

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