Words by

John Rogers, Angela Rawlings and Valur Grettisson

Photo by

Stock

The Game of Thrones can be a little confusing. But fear not, friends. We up here beyond the wall have special knowledge and insight into the northlife. We’ve chilled in the red tree with the Forestbabies, and been into the Wildlands. We are no stranger to The Snow King and his White Orcs, and we know all the Swordthrone Gamekings personally. Here’s our character breakdown.

Eggjon Snowgaryen
A gruff, baby-faced, pint-sized northern lad, Eggjon Snowgarian is a weird undead zombie who walks among the good guys as if he, too, is a good guy, and not a scowling ghoul from beyond the grave. He’s called The White Panther, because that is the symbol of the Starkhouse, and has a stone saber that can kill the weird White Orcs who live on the Northwall.

• Rides a Luck Dragon
• Once stared at the Snow King
• Fancies Dæana Dragon Lady
• Nicknames: Snowjob, Eggnog

Dæana Dragon Lady
The queen of our hearts, Dæana Targaryen—first of her name, breaker of chains, mother of dragonflies, secret alcoholic—is a fair-minded megalomaniac sociopathic-socialist mass-murderess saviour-king who believes in fairness for everyone but also kills people indiscriminately. Murdered Samwell Gamgee’s dad and bro, both of whom refused to lick her dragon-riding boots. Flames people to death by uttering “Dragondick.”

• Good and evil incarnate
• Hot for Eggjon
• Sick weave

Brandalf Stark
Teen goth who spends all his time in the memories of other people like it’s a new VR game. Friends with Snow King, with whom he occasionally plays a round of Creepy Fortnite, where they walk around for no reason looking at things and occasionally grab each other or hang out with the White Orcs.

• Staunch vegetarian
• Not on Facebook
• Nickname: Player Two

Tyrone Lannister
Diminutive nymphomaniac with a noticeable facial scar and a famous brain. Having a secret affair with his brother, Johnny Lannister, whom he shot in the foot with a crossbow. The two used to have lots of foster children together but they were all poisoned by Ned Stark, the villain of season one.

• Sexy boozehound
• Pioneering nihilist

The Snow King
After living in North Iceland for many years, this mute lumberjack is on a mission to have a beach holiday in Dorn. Him and his friends from Ísafjörður embark on a thrilling journey towards Keflavík airport, but quickly find that people in Reykjavík seriously misunderstand their intentions.

• Actually really nice
• Flybus ticket tucked hopefully in wallet

Samwell Gamgee-Tarley
Every fantasy epic needs a sidekick called Sam, and Game of Thrones is right up there with the best of them. This time, he’s a monk who adopts wildling children and a kleptomaniac who steals books and swords then talks about it all the time to remind us that he’s going to do something important later.

• Mind your wallet, he’ll have it away
• Mean dead dad
• Hobbies include: foreshadowing his important secret knowledge

aYia Stark
The teenager with the identity crisis and the two faced attitude. Good with a needle. Her cross-stitched portrait of her late father has raised questions about whether she has the rare syndrome called prosopagnosia, or “face blindness.”

• Just say yes if she calls you the wrong name
• Watch out for that needle
• Be patient when she starts talking about people with many faces

Sensei Stark
Cold-eyed maiden of the north crossed with your annoying teenage niece. Not to be confused with her ex-mother-in-law, Sensei’s burning red hair is only challenged by a certain Hunky Wildling.

• Pro-level survivalist
• Third most likely to have a tantrum resulting in death, after Dæana Dragon Lady and Sensei Lannister

Sir Brian Tarth
Love interest extraordinaire, Sir Brian is well situated to roll polyamory into the Throne Room.

• Former and Future Crossfit champ
• Would beat you at glíma

Hunky Wildling
Red hot and horny for Sir, the Hunky Wildling steals scenes and hearts wherever he swaggers.

• Recently revealed that he’s a baby-sized giant
• Primordial feminist

Circus Lannister
A murderous psychopath with a face like a smacked arse, Circus is currently the queen (of the seven kingdoms, and of being an asshole).

• Juggler
• Stilt walker
• Spoon licker
• Depressing lunatic

Johnny Lannister
One-footed swordmaster who was swatted in the nose with a crossbow by Brother Tyrone. Questionable co-parenting skills.

• Hot for Sir Brian
• Steely-eyed blonde bombshell
• Fan of V.C. Andrews novels

Brogon Lovejoy
Sweaty sailor. Brogon, often nicknamed as the Jack Sparrow of the North, grew up in the Iron Dome and has an odd kink known as “the Black Pearl.” He believes only true queens can give him this odd pleasure.

• If he mentions the black pearl, run
• If you are queen, call security

Leon Lovejoy
Incel sad boy.

• No peen

Sir Bron From The Backwater
Cliff-faced mercenary. When not conspiring in the Game of Thrones merry-go-round, runs a carousel on the promenade of Blackpool with Davos the Geordie.

• Whey aye man
• Haddaway and shite
• Whaddya think yer on, yer grannies yacht?

Davos the Geordie
Every völva’s Oedipal wet dream a.k.a. Mannish Sexy Dream Man a.k.a. Davos my Davos a.k.a. hunka-hunka-burnin’ a.k.a. Feed me, Seymour a.k.a. he’s a good man, and thorough a.k.a. don’t mind if I do.

• Boat wizard
• Leather daddy
• Silver fox

Gendrick the Podry
Square-faced aYia love interest. Squire, blacksmith, songbird.

• Contains multitudes
• Sir Brian Tarth’s steamy fuckboi
• Closeted secret boy-king

Read more about the Throne Game here.