Got a burning question? In desperate need of advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.
How do I move out of home?
Get arrested. It’s time to get real, Millennials and Gen Z-ers. You are never going to own your own home. Not unless you become the sole inheritor of an estranged aunt’s vast fortune or seduce Leonardo DiCaprio. What better way to get out of your parents’ house than to have the country’s law enforcement services expressly forbid you from spending further time in it? Be creative: commit some cheeky yet charming white-collar tax fraud, murder your least favourite politician, or allow your ex-partner-in-crime to emotionally blackmail you into helping him heist a casino. And once you’re in prison? I’ve heard rent’s paid for by the state, and you’ll never get Mum telling you off for not making your bed again. I mean Jesus, you’re not twelve.
My fish died. I didn’t feed them. Am I a murderer?
Yes. You’re a cold-blooded killer. And on a subliminal, subconscious level, you did this on purpose. Was it a twisted way of getting back at your primary school lunch lady for forcing you to finish your fish fingers? Or perhaps the dark impulse of a repressed vegetarian? Well, you’re too far gone now. There’s no way back. Either hand yourself in to the police right away, or be bold and become a career assassin. Just make sure you remember your roots.
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