In HorrorScopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists break down your upcoming weeks based on shit like the allegedly-feminine-but-actually-full-of-toxic-atmospheric-vapour planet “Venus.”
Aries
Kiki’s renovated. You just got your new Wigs by Vanity and you’re ready to bitch about whoever wins ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars 5’ on the internet. It’s Pride, Aries; don’t feel shame about how much you love it. That’s what the Straights™ want you to do.
Taurus
On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth. On the second, he said, “Let there be light.” On the third, he—etc. you know how it goes. You know the gist. On the eighth day, however, God invented Grindr and mobile data, so in July, you can get over your ex safely and anonymously. We support you.
Gemini
Being a “useless lesbian” isn’t an identity, Gemini. It’s a defense mechanism that makes you stay inside and cry to ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ reruns when you should be out having fun. This Pride, leave that label in the past and become the Holland Taylor you were born to be. Sarah Paulson is waiting. (Binge watch ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ here.)
Cancer
Don’t worry, when you explain the term “pansexual” to your grandma for the 32nd time, she’ll totally get it—we promise there won’t even be any kitchen-appliance-based jokes or uncomfortable silences. Ok, we don’t promise, but a kid can dream right?
Leo
It’s ok, honey, play “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera on repeat, this is your month. That’s what you kids do during Pride right? (This horoscope was written by your Mom.)
Virgo
‘Chromatica’ is overrated, Virgo. It’s not just you.
Libra
Your value to the people who love you is not rooted in your productivity. It’s rooted in how great you smell in the morning. So rest assured your gay af partner loves you just the way you are.
Scorpio
You’re not “too much” or “a drama tornado” or “high maintenance”. You are simply too fabulous for mere mortals to comprehend let alone handle. Eschew those haters, you living deity.
Sagittarius
One day, Carly Rae Jepsen will finally release those 200 disco songs that should have been on ‘Dedicated’. And on that day, Sagittarius, you will finally feel complete. Stay strong. Or just listen to the new banger by Aly & AJ.
Capricorn
Use your asexual invisibility powers to rob a bank. Just do it. They won’t see you. You’ve got an ace up your sleeve waiting to be used.
Aquarius
Take a good, long look in the mirror, trans Aquarius. Do you pass? Who gives a shit? You look amazing. You’re gorge. Live the dream with your head held high.
Pisces
Hey there, nonbinary Pisces, we see you. Reject all dichotomies this month. Don’t be shoehorned into a false dilemma between “whiskey sour” or “shots”. Take both! We promise you won’t regret it.
For past Horror-Scopes, click here.
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