Words by

Ketill the Angry

The Modern Viking is a single man. He is the new standard for the swinging and easygoing, yet reliable and understanding gentleman, but as his name indicates, the Modern Viking must be a Viking as well as being Modern. Therefore he is in touch with his heritage and nationality, and knows that an attitude of overtly unrestrained sexual activity, and the advertising thereof, is out of the question.

Thus, the Modern Viking finds himself trapped in a social conundrum of sorts. How is he to remain modest and good-natured whilst still indulging in the earthly delights available to most single and attractive young men? There are many different ways to achieve this, and Odin knows that the Modern Viking has attempted quite a few himself. To assist his fellow, less experienced Modern Vikings, he has decided to mention a couple of alternatives to common male cock-ups in the dating game.

Try to keep up-to-date with pertinent imformation

In order to strike up a conversation with an attractive woman of breeding age, it is important to keep abreast of issues which might interest an individual of her social stature. This may or may not include popular music (“Have you heard the new Raconteurs album? I hear it makes for the most invigorating listen.”), publicly known individuals (“A minute avian informed me that Jude Law and Sienna Miller have reconciliated.”), or in the event that you yourself are approached and questioned on a subject, any little tidbit that could be related (“A cigarette? Why, certainly, but I fear they may have adverse effects on your health, madame[oiselle].”)

Be advised, though, the lady in question may not take too well to a Modern Viking that appears too interested and/or knowledgeable in her affairs (“A cigarette? But I thought I heard you tell your friend you were quitting when you accompanied her to the bathroom.”) or any affairs at all, for that matter (“A cigarette? With you being a westerner, I can safely assure you that you would not be asking me for one if not for the advent of the Crimean War, during which Russian soldiers would ration their western captives cigarettes as a gesture of good faith, following their defeat at Sevastopol…”). Also, it is important to be truthful and not exaggerate your knowledge on a subject (“A cigarette? It’s a widely known fact that people who smoke cigarettes spontaneously combust when they come into contact with giraffes and certain other even-toed ungulates.”). Above all, do not dominate the conversation and be receptive to her questions (“Why, yes I do go skiing now and again, but I think David Williams played drums for Augie March.”), and most importantly: Maintain your dignity. Never allow yourself to attempt to sidestep the conversation into dubious territory (“I only go skiing after sexually satisfying a woman, thereby making me a very experienced skier.”). This will only indicate shallow desperation and a directness unbecoming of a Modern Viking.

Only indicate interest in one woman
No woman takes kindly to being a Modern Viking’s second choice. Thereby it is important for the Modern Viking to constrain his interest in companionship to one person. He should approach just the one he desires the most and hint at unique qualities you may perceive her to have; although not necessarily with words. The Modern Viking simply listens closely to what she has to say, and agrees, where applicable, (“Yes, I too feel that John Kerry bears a striking resemblance to Bruce Campbell.”) or elaborates further to continue the conversation (“He also looks slightly like Hugh Jackman.”), or alternately, he may want to disagree and engage in some harmless verbal sparring (“No, I don’t think they look at all alike.

In fact, I think John Kerry looks much more like Whoopi Goldberg than Bruce Campbell.”).
Above all, the Modern Viking should try to give the impression that he is interested in her and her opinions alone, and is not simply in pursuit of an individual who can be coerced into bed with him (“I’d rather not talk about John Kerry when I’m trying to get laid.”) or someone to listen to his problems (“John Kerry has more in common with me than anyone else – we’re both losers.”). This gives the impression that the Modern Viking is desperate for somebody – anybody – and makes the object of your affection feel like gutter trash.

Also, the Modern Viking does not try to inspire jealousy by pitting one potential ‘companion’ against another (“I believe I heard that young lady over there declare that she could supress her gag reflex for an indefinite amount of time.”) or attempt to portray those who have enjoyed his intimate affections as an elite society she should feel ‘honoured’ to be a part of (“These hands only make contact with the finest of breasts.”). These portay the Modern Viking as being promiscuous and sex-obsessed, neither of which are qualities of the true Modern Viking.

One more thing: Under no circumstances whatsoever does the Modern Viking attempt to seduce two (“You both look so ravishing that I can barely decide which one to grope first.”) or more (“Alright, who in here wants to fuck?”) women at the same time. The reasons for this are manifold and obvious.