In Horror-Scopes, the Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists give you the cosmic run-down on your upcoming week. In this iteration, we consulted with many celebrated costume cosmologists (and some leaves) to give you the details on your Halloween experience. Cue the spooky music.
Aries
In 2007, you and your best friend got into a massive fight when she moved you to her number two spot on her MySpace Top Friends. You never spoke again. This All Hallow’s Eve, mend that relationship by putting on your best Tokio Hotel shirt and leopard hair extensions to pay tR1BuT3 to your fallen friend. Unexpectedly call her (on your T-Mobile Sidekick), show her your dedication to the best German band of all time and make the past right. (Author’s note: Doesn’t the lead singer of Tokio Hotel kinda look like Björk? Have you ever seen them in the same room together?)
Taurus
Ain’t nothing wrong with celebrating Halloween alone with a bit of that weird goth wine they seem to sell everywhere now. That said, we know nothing makes you feel sexier than science so here’s a potential low-effort costume idea to up the ante: Sexy Richard Dawkins?
Gemini
We get that you’re “against dressing up” and think “getting a costume is a waste of time.” News flash Gemini: Everyone knows that is just a codeword for “lazy af.” In fact, you should feel lucky that Halloween is cancelled this year because otherwise, you’d just be ruining whatever unfortunate party you were invited to. Remember your good fortune over the next week when you start complaining about your job to your long-suffering friends. You are not the victim.
Cancer
We get it, Cancer. You just want to feel comfortable and safe. So maybe take it back a few years and keep it simple by dressing as Anna Kendrick from Twilight. Is Twilight still funny? We don’t know. We’re just listening to what the stars are saying.
Leo
OMG, group costume idea?! Dress as one of Khloe Kardashian’s latest Instagrams and get your friends to do the same. The great thing about this is you’ll all look totally unique.
Virgo
Switch 2020 around and throw it back to 2002 by dressing up as the ballerina from Sk8er Boi. We know you loved that song. But just remember this is 2020, so you probably work in cyber now. No tutu for you, Virgo. Sorry. By the way, Avril Lavigne definitely did die and she definitely was replaced by a body double. The stars have confirmed it.
Libra
No, that cat Snapchat filter is not good enough to appease your “followers”. Just because you’re alone in your bedroom doesn’t mean you can get away with that. At least put some eyeliner whiskers on and drink a vodka cranberry–it’s not that hard.
Scorpio
We know you’ve been working on that Sexy Coronavirus costume for months but Scorpio, people are dying. For God’s sake, can you just not be a sociopath for one day of your fucking life?
Sagittarius
Ok, stay with us Sag because we’ve got an idea that only you can pull off: The Gap Yah. Grab some hippie trousers, a headband and tastelessly braid your hair, then strap on your old DofE backpack and never take it off because wheel along suitcases just don’t let you blend in with the environment, do they? Don’t forget to vomit on yourself for full authenticity. A bad tattoo of an inside joke you don’t remember wouldn’t hurt, either.
Capricorn
“All jokes aside, it’s kinda sad now that you’re not allowed to compliment women online when they are already always under constant barrage and bullying on the internet. Now people aren’t allowed to be nice to women? It’s kind of fucked up.
THAT’S WHAT A SIMP WOULD SAY. PATHETIC [CAPRICORN].” – Pewdiepie, 2020
May dress up as one then, loser.
Aquarius
Wow, a Ted Bundy costume? Sooooo edgy. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EDGY. It’s not like our tea leaves literally sighed when we asked them to read your fortune. They were like, uh, do we have to? We’re still even talking to Aquariuses? Are they still on their bullshit? Apparently yes. What a waste of leaves.
Pisces
You wear a costume every day, you Effie Trinket-looking two-faced bitch. This week’ll be no different, we assume. C’mon Pisces…
Photo of Richard Dawkins taken by David Shankbone in 2010 and found via Wikimedia and Creative Commons. The Grapevine altered this photograph with a number of heart and love symbols.
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