From Iceland — Well, You Asked: God Left Us Aeons Ago

Well, You Asked: God Left Us Aeons Ago

Published September 11, 2019

Well, You Asked: God Left Us Aeons Ago
Hannah Jane Cohen
Photo by
Art Bicnick

Could God make a rock so heavy that even he couldn’t lift it?

Woah, hold up there, cowboy/cowgirl/cowperson. HE? HE couldn’t lift it? You fucking sexist. Anyway, everyone who is anyone subscribes to the Watchmaker analogy, popularised by Newton and Descartes, which suggests that an omnipotent designer created the universe and all livings beings, before fucking off to let natural selection do its thing.

So, to answer your question: God left us aeons ago, so even if they could make a ridiculously heavy rock, they currently exist in a dimension far more complex than simple rocks and gravity, thus it wouldn’t even matter. Read some philosophy, you stupid nimwit.

What is the best cure for climate despair?

Sure, you could go vegan or reduce your plastic use, but if you really cared about the environment, you’d do your part to save the world from overpopulation and remove yourself from the equation. Woah—we don’t mean kill yourself, we just mean go full Ted Kaczynski.

If I hear a song about drugs, is there a possibility I will start doing drugs after?

Interesting theory. To test this out, I listened to Marilyn Manson’s ‘Antichrist Superstar’ album in its entirety. In the past 12 hours, I’ve sacrificed three virgins, done 13 lines of cocaine, and shot up three schools. And you say white people have no culture?

So, in conclusion: Yes. You’ll probably start doing drugs. We at the Grapevine recommend staying away from loser drugs like meth and starting with cool drugs like ayahuasca—that seems to be what all the hip white people who write for VICE are doing nowadays anyway.

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