The Best Place In Iceland To Masturdate: Smáralind - The Reykjavik Grapevine

The Best Place In Iceland To Masturdate: Smáralind

The Best Place In Iceland To Masturdate: Smáralind

Published February 18, 2016

York Underwood
Photo by
York Underwood
Guðmundur Arnason (Model)

Masturdate (Ma-stir-date) noun:

1. To go on date by yourself; to be alone but still do activities normally associated with dates; to realize you deserve to be wooed and to take matters into your own hand(s).

The Best Place In Iceland

I often see solo travellers in pubs and cafés and they always ask me the same question, “What’s the best thing to do in Iceland by yourself?” I give the usual answers: Blue Lagoon (though that’s a bit sad), The Golden Circle (also sad) and, if they really expressed an interest in enjoying themselves, I would suggest the every-weekend pub crawl, Bravó, Bar Ananas, Kaffibarinn, Prikið, Palóma, Húrra, Mandi, taxi and bed (retrospectively depressing).

There must be a better answer.

It turns out there is a better answer, Smáralind. The penis-shaped mall that delivers an unforgettable day-trip, packed with activities and fun.

What you need:

1. A sense of adventure

2. A modest but respectable amount of money

3. A willingness to love and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated

If you can say yes to these three things (preferably in your head not outloud), then you are ready for the best weather-proof, fun-filled day you can have on this glorious rock we call Iceland.

Let’s Go!

Smáralind

The Mall Itself 

Smáralind has fun little exhibits and games to play just in the general area. You could have a great time and never enter a shop or restaurant. You can play chess with friends you meet there or tryout some of the electric-powered rides (they are a bit small, but the chess is really big).

Or you can just chill out on one of the many couches (or is it chesterfields?).

The Fun Park And Arcade

That’s right. There is an indoor amusement park and arcade. Unfortunately, it doesn’t open until 16:00 on weekdays and we arrived at lunch, so nothing worked for our photoshoot. We can imagine it’s lots of fun, though. You can bowl, play air hockey, try and snatch a prize from the claw crane or run through the play park. Actually, the play park might not be open to adults, so lunch time is the only time you can pull off a nice snooze in the ball pit or quick workout on the punching bag.

It also has 7D, which is an interactive shooter video game IN SEVEN DIMENSIONS. First gravity waves and now this? It’s almost too much fun, we think. Don’t forget to try out the amusement ride and bumper cars.

The most fun, like usual, was making new friends. While taking photos we bonded with the person vacuuming all the confetti out of the carpet. I bet she’s amazing at Dance Dance Revolution.

There’s A Movie Theatre!

You read that right. After an exciting time in the fun park, take a breather and catch the newest blockbuster on surround sound. Make sure to check movie times. It wasn’t open when we did the photoshoot, but we would love to have seen a movie and, if we had seen a movie, it would have been AMAZING.

I need to sit down and relax. Nothing like a flick to pass the time!

Getting Hungry? It’s Always Friday In Smáralind!

One of the worst things about downtown Reykjavík is the lack of American chain restaurants. Everything is so quaint and unique, but lacking in the modular splendour of a franchised brand. Luckily, Smáralind has Pizza Hut and TGIFridays!

Most places in Iceland serve beer by the pint, like a bunch of no-nothing chumps. Not at TGIFridays! You can order a four-litre tower of beer to wash down your half-metre fajita tower. Those are two towers you won’t mind taking down! It’s like NATO never left and freedom was more than just nothing left to lose.

MMMMmmmmm!

Boutiques and Kiosks

In Smáralind, there is always time to stop and smell the roses. You can even buy yourself a smooth dozen and make a new friend while you’re at it.

Hagkaup: Your One Stop Shop For Everything

Hagkaup is the Walmart of Iceland. You can buy clothes, shop for groceries or even pick up the latest thriller from Arnaldur Indriðason. The staff are always ready to hang out and have a chit chat. There’s even a theatre that plays animated children’s shows…FOR FREE!

No trip to Hagkaup is complete without a trip down candy lane, NAMMILÁND!!! This isn’t the former money laundering front on Klapparsígur. This is heaven accompanied with an insulin shot. It’s hard to choose, so just have one of everything. Treat yourself!

There Is Always More To Discover

This is only a brief guide to the possibilities that await you at Smáralind. You can find your own perfect day there. Feel free to write us about any other great things to do at Smáralind or send us some photos of you masturdating.

In the end, before you can love anyone, you need to love yourself.

Namasté

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