Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen

Photo by

Adobe Stock

The Grapevine’s team of amateur astrologists know all. How? Not only do we talk to the tarot, but we also start each morning with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. 

Aries

Aries, there is nothing wrong with making love to ‘St. Anger.’ And if your partner dislikes it, well they can take their ‘Master of Puppets’ and go shove it. Sorry that you’re just quirky and indie.（っ＾▿＾）

Taurus

Wow! 25 days and you haven’t stopped tracking your meals on MyFitnessPal! Congrats Taurus! Of all the signs, you are the only one who has kept up your bodybuilding-macro-resolution. Now you just need to get that gym membership. Then it’s over for those hos.

Gemini

Telling your new boss about the time you got a Q-Tip stuck in your ear may not have been the best avenue for a good first impression, but it was definitely a good avenue for a… first impression. How to proceed? Just adopt this as your new “brand” and own it. You’re the Q-Tip guy. Sue me.

Cancer

We didn’t want to say it, but you won’t be spending Valentine’s Day alone. The constellations assure us that there is someone in the mist in front of you. Whether it’s a serial killer or the love of your life? That we don’t know for sure.

Leo

We didn’t want to say it, but you won’t be spending Valentine’s Day alone either, Leo. Whether that’s because you’re a serial killer or hopeless romantic, we can’t say. Depends on whether or not you’d choose ‘American Pie’ or ‘American Psycho’.

Virgo

Oh Virgo. Just chill. And wear a mask.

Libra

Oh Libra, you’ve got the path laid out in front of you. That said, remember that Frodo had a path in front of him too and it led him straight to Shelob. If you haven’t got a Sam to save you, maybe consider just staying in the Shire.

Scorpio

Almost one month in 2021 and you haven’t used your powers of manipulation on anyone but that waitress that tried to charge you for extra guacamole. But she deserved having all her childhood traumas brought up and thrown right back at her in public, right? The fact that she cried just showed her personal weakness, which you, Scorpio, obviously don’t have.

Sagittarius

Keep on thriving, Sagittarius. But maybe dust your room a ‘lil bit. Just saying.

Capricorn

Capricorn, you saucy dog. Unlink your smart watch from your smart phone. You don’t want anybody to see those saucy texts you’re sending… or maybe you do.

Aquarius

Using the first months of 2021 to rewatch ‘Lost’ is totally a good decision Aquarius. There’s absolutely no way you’ll be disappointed again by it. Just no possible way. In fact, you’ll be HAPPY that Michael and Walt aren’t in the Church at the end. That’s a natural progression of events.

Pisces

Stop shooting at the political parties headquarters with airguns, Pisces. You know who you are. It’s uncomfortable and spooky and not in a cool Unabomber way.

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