The Grapevine’s dedicated team of amateur astrologists recently experienced ego death. In response, we’ve decided to tell your future through the medium of haiku.
Aries
Liking Nick Cave is
Not a substitution for
Personality
Taurus
Move on from sorrow
To the world of tomorrow…
Kilimanjaro
Gemini
“MORE!” screamed Kylo Ren
But do we really need more?
Or just a sick blade?
Cancer
Cancer, please slow down
Enter lockdown like Boris
With whimsical hair
Leo
Enjoy sunset from
An unsafe melting glacier
Not a vibe, galpal
Virgo
The Goo Goo Dolls slam
Alexa, please play “Iris”
I know who I am
Libra
It’s legal to speak
It’s legal to pay money
I am a hitman
Scorpio
A Master’s degree
Does not make you qualified
To lead outdoor hikes
Sagittarius
Ita Reginae
Verum Manseritis, Bitch
#benedixitque
Capricorn
There is ice out there
Outside the 10/11
Make sure you don’t fall
Aquarius
Is this insta man
Really a glacier guide
Or just a rando?
Pisces
I’m feeling real rad
Got myself a real cool bag
Not tryin’ to brag
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