Got a problem that needs solving, a burning issue that needs addressing, a matter that needs settling, or a thirst for awesome life advice? We at the Grapevine are here to help.
im 13. im not like other girls who like billie eilish and lil pump i listen to underground real music like queen and lead zeppelin. how can I prove to my college age boyfriend that I’m not some basic bitch??
Wow! You’re 13 dating a college-age boy? You must be really mature and an old soul. Impress your totally-not-creepy boytoy by quoting Harley Quinn and sending him memes from the webarchive of 4chan circa 2007. Also—make sure to alert your mom about this true love. She’ll be so impressed.
Who was the best of Henry VIII’s wives?
Anne of Cleves might be an unusual answer, but it’s the correct one. Anyone who amicably parted with ya boi Henry—especially after famously rebuking him upon first meeting when he dressed up like a peasant to seduce her and she merely looked upon his disgusting disease-riddled body in horror—is obviously an astute woman. Post-annulment, Anne was given a generous settlement. She then became the richest woman in England, never remarried, and spent her days playing cards, wearing jewels, and attempting to cook. That, kids, is why you never get a prenup.
They’re currently making a ‘The Crow’ reboot. Who would you cast as Eric Draven?
Pete Davidson. With his skinny, muscle-less body and goofy aloof demeanour, he’d look more like ICP extra in that facepaint than a goth superhero. What better way to say fuck you to movie studios who want to dance on Brandon Lee’s grave (RIP) with another stupid re-make? On that note, let’s crowdfund a remake of ‘Vertigo’ and cast Kathryn Heigl and The Rock. How does it feel, Hollywood?
Need help? Send all your (previously unsolvable) problems to firstname.lastname@example.org
Buy subscriptions, t-shirts and more from our shop right here!