So much like Moses in a basket in the Nile, you’re stranded in Iceland because WowAir decided to fuck you over. First off, sucks to suck, you should have known that a purple airline with $20 seats was too good to be true. But let’s be realistic, you definitely have no money, no friends, and no prospects. What are you supposed to do? Don’t worry, the Grapevine has you covered. Here’s how you can succeed in Iceland while tourism crumbles around us and we all lose our jobs.
1. Find somewhere (FREE) to stay
If you don’t have any accommodation booked, we’d recommend heading to the Irish pub in Keflavík. Once there, walk up to the scariest looking group of dudes and say, “Which one of you bitches wants to dance?” Voilá you now have a fantastic room in some sort of police station or hospital. Either way—free stay in Iceland! Woohoo!
If this doesn’t work, there is also AirBnb and for you rich people, Hotel Berg, a spot the Grapevine is particularly fond of.
2. Get a job, you bum
If you’re an EU/EEA citizen, congrats, you’re now an Icelandic resident and free to get any job you want. Not that there are any jobs, though, now that tourism is dead and everyone is unemployed and sad. We don’t have much advice, but if you can’t find a low paying café gig, perhaps if you go to the University of Iceland and study hard, you can build your own airplane like that guy in the Smashing Pumpkins music video and fly home to your family. Perhaps.
For non-EU/EEA citizens, though, it’s best if you get creative and start cooking meth or something. It worked out pretty well for Walter White and once you get people addicted, you can raise the price higher and higher. Welcome to the 1%, baby.
3. Find some grub
Remember that diet you always said you’d start? Congrats, you spent all your money on glacier hikes, so get happy eating free water. Except now that Iceland has no tax money, the water system has been privatised and it’s cheaper for you to just get a vampire fetish and find other kinksters who want you to suck their blood. We’d recommend going on fetlife.com for this. See, blood has 9 calories per ounce and most bodies have 160 ounces of blood per body, which means if you find enough partners you can definitely get around 1,500 calories a day. That means you’ll have a daily net loss of about 1,000 calories, which means you’ll lose two pounds of fat a week. What a solution! And better yet, you’re also making people happy!
4. Fall in love
Falling in love is difficult, especially when you’re a meth dealer with a vampire fetish and police record. Most guys, gals, and those in-between probably run the other way, but don’t worry, we have an easy solution for you. Currently, antibiotic resistant gonorrhea is on the rise in Reykjavík. We’re pretty sure if you get it, find someone you want and infect them, they probably won’t have any choice but to stay with you. Get someone rich and important.
That said, if you are attractive, you can probably just go on Tinder. Here’s what you should expect in Iceland.
In a few years, you might be asking yourself, what has your life become? Well this is your life now and it’s clear it’s time to get the fuck out of this awful place. You have two options: Hijack one of those helicopters they use for flying over volcanos, or upload your brain to the cloud, which is presumably a viable option now. We’d choose the cloud because we hate our bodies, which are currently wrinkling and getting less agile. That said, if you choose the hijack option, we’d recommend flying it to the Faroe Islands rather than mainland Europe or United States. If you fly to America, though, you’ll definitely find some lovely free accommodation upon landing. According to ‘Lock-Up’, prison is very exciting.
Congrats, you survived your time in Keflavik and got out of this godforsaken land. We were not so lucky though. Pray for us.
For real information, check out our town guide on Keflavik.Hopefully, the accidental extension of your trip in Iceland goes well.
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