Superpowers: Speaking Old Norse
Weaknesses: Fishing and deadlifts
Modern Analogue: The inferior twin brother of MCU’s Thor
Brace yourselves for a controversial statement: the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Thor is a superior version of Norse Mythology’s Þór. Now, before the mythology aficionados clench their fists and grasp for their synthetic, 3D-printed replica of Mjöllnir, hear me out.
Born to lose
Both are hammer-wielding Gods of Thunder, whose primary purpose is defending the realms of Ásgarð (home of the Æsir gods) and Miðgarður (world of men). When Þór isn’t seeking out every opportunity to face imminent death by battling Jörmungandur––the serpent that encircles Miðgarður––in Ragnarök he’s tediously walking the line between cocky or confident. Mostly, what characterizes Þór is his relentless pursuit of killing Jörmungandur. The sea serpent is actually one of Loki’s children, who was tossed into the ocean surrounding Miðgarður by Óðin, becoming Þór’s greatest enemy.
The Prose Edda details a fishing trip Þór took with the giant Hymir. As any guest would, Þór went to Hymir’s barn, chose the biggest ox and casually chopped off its head as his choice of bait. Then, ignoring Hymir’s hesitations, Þór continued to row to the deepest part of the ocean where conveniently, Jörmungandur lurked. The behemoth latched onto Þór’s line, only for it to be severed by Hymir, who feared the fated Ragnarök would come too soon. The delay didn’t last long, as Ragnarök finally came. They battled it out and Þór was finally getting an ego boost to match his colossal pecs. He reveled in his victory, only to die from the serpent’s venom––because I told you, this guy was just not born a winner.
Genetics of a God
I’ll tell you who was born a winner—Chris Hemsworth, a glowing, genetic masterpiece from Australia who found his own 3D replica of Mjöllnir, swung it around a few times (rodeo-style) and flew straight into the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Thor. If Þór was ever tossed into the modern world, he’d probably mutate into a superior mortal like the cunning Thor. There’s no denying that Thor has an enormous ego to match his equally prominent pecs, but there’s also some wit and wisdom tossed in there, which Þór is lacking. Þór also drew the short straw when he was blessed with a fiery red beard instead of the chiseled face of Thor, sunkissed by the southern hemisphere. Despite Þór never having a “Come to Jesus” moment, Thor definitely got his––banished to Miðgarður by Óðinn for his arrogance and short-sightedness when picking battles. Óðinn hoped Miðgarður would strip Thor of his egotistical tendencies. Luckily, the world of men has a way of breaking down even the most resistant egos, even an ego with the genetics of a god.
Thor manages to make friends and capture victories through it all, something that not all *ahem* Þórs get to experience. Despite Thor’s piercing blue eyes, he’s a softy with a side of clever and often, unintentional humor. He also has impeccable time management––bouncing between the cosmos and the world of men, desperately trying to maintain order in a chaotic galaxy. On the other hand, Þór can’t quite seem to remember that he’s supposed to be the one balancing the scale, not tipping it.
Thor the thunder stealer
In the 21st century, maybe Þór would actually just be a less popular fraternal twin brother of Thor. Almost like clockwork, Þór has to steal back his thunder when Thor starts deadlifting any willing volunteers. With the behavioral problems and temper of a pre-teen, Þór can’t help but storm out when his subpar pecs compared to Thor’s. Not to mention, he somehow never acquired the charming Australian accent of Thor and can only speak in Old Norse––it’s no wonder Icelanders are his only fans.
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