You might not know this, but the official Grapevine astrology committee also moonlights as freelance Olympics consultants. Look—the cosmos don’t pay much, but do you know what does? Listacles on obscure athletic websites. Just try and doxx us for doping.
Aries
An Aries doesn’t let anything stop them from achieving their goals, even if what’s stopping them is a plain old lack of talent. Which other sign would exploit a loophole in the system to get to the Olympics only to land 58th out of 58th place with a pitiable 71-metre jump in the 110-metre ski jump event? (For reference, 57th place got 110 metres.) Yes, Aries, you’re our astrological Eddie the Eagle. But remember, the jump was a British record. But who can actually name another ski jumper? We bet you can’t, so who really won in the end?
Taurus
Tauruses are a chill bunch. They’ve got a hard work ethic, sure, but there’s only one in the zodiac that could successfully pull a move like that of Australian speed skater Steven Bradbury. Let’s break it down: In the 2002 quarter-finals, Bradbury was put up against speed-skating legends Marc Gagnon (the world champion) and Apolo Ohno (a total hunk). He basically had no chance, finishing third, until Gagnon was shockingly eliminated for obstructing another racer. Then, pushed into the semi-finals, Steven stood far in the back, poised for a solid forth place, until all the other racers suddenly crashed and fell, allowing him to easily glide into first place and straight into the finals. So there was our Steven, a massive underdog in the final of the short track 1,000 metre event, when luck struck again. Just 50 metres before the finish line, all his competitors once again crashed and fell and a dumbfounded Steven cruised across the finish line, becoming the first person in the Southern Hemisphere to win gold in the Winter Olympics. While his name did become somewhat of a punchline (‘pulling a Bradbury’), you gotta give the guy props. He had a strategy, played to his strengths, followed the rules and, in an act of god, finished first. The Jimmy Carter of Salt Lake City.
Gemini
Hello, Ryan Lochte. After the stunt you pulled in Rio 2016, no one will ever believe a word you say again. But that’s a plight many a’Gemini are familiar with, especially all those people they claimed they loved at one time or another. Get out of the pool and into some therapy.
Cancer
The fastest sign in the world is no doubt the fastest man in the world Usain Bolt. Everyone loves you and those who don’t just want to be you. Dab, Cancer, dab!
Leo
Find an obscure, showy, theatrical event. Stick with it. Become the best and then never retire until you’ve become the oldest gold medal winner in your field. Greetings, Evgeniya Kanaeva. You’re the G.O.A.T. of rhythmic gymnasts and exude true Leo energy.
Virgo
It was the 1996 Women’s Artistic Gymnastics Team finals. The US team—which had never won gold—needed one perfect vault to beat Russia and Romania. It was up to 14-year-old Dominique Moceanu to score 9.430 to get gold. But she fell, devastating the hearts of the US team. So Kerri Strug, who was plagued by injuries, was put up. All she needed was to have a perfect landing to grab that coveted gold, but her first vault ended in tragedy—falling awkward onto her ankle and snapping two ligaments in the process. Nonetheless, Kerri limped back to the starting line, snapped herself together, began her sprint and performed a perfect second vault. Seconds after she landed, she lifted her foot, face scrunched in pain, and hopped off the mat. A hero, she inspired her country and athletes all over the world. But let’s be real: only a Virgo would literally risk their health and mobility to avoid conflict with their terrifying coach Béla Károlyi. A Leo would have fainted for dramatic effect.
Libra
The drive of a Libra means they’ll never be satisfied with just one gold. A Simone Biles you are. A living legend, we will watch your career with great interest.
Scorpio
Like Aries, they made a movie about you, Gemini. Unfortunately, you’re not really the hero of it. Tonya Harding, you Scorpio snake. (Note: Tonya’s actually a Scorpio, which totally proves our hypothesis that Scorpios are ruthless people that need to be watched with an [Eddie the] eagle eye.)
Sagittarius
If a Sagittarius loves anything, it’s a made-for-TV moment, and who provided a better one than the US ice hockey team at the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. It couldn’t have been a better story: a ragtag group of freedom-loving college kids beat what was considered the unbeatable Soviets in a tense battle for Cold War glory. Who could forget the triumphant skip of captain Mike Eruzione after he scored that iconic fourth goal in the third quarter? Do you believe in miracles?
Capricorn
Oversleeping after a Netflix binge and a lost coat didn’t stop 2018 gold medal slopestyle snowboarder Red Gerard, and it sure wouldn’t stop you.
Aquarius
The guy who beat Eddie the Eagle (our Aries underdog) was actually Finnish Matti Nykänen, widely considered to be the greatest ski jumper of all time. While you may not have the Olympic notoriety of your zodiac counterparts among the general public, in your home country, you continued to wow the public with your pop music career and also being sent to prison for stabbing someone. No one knows how to follow-up success like an Aquarius.
Pisces
You’re a local legend Pisces a.k.a. the 2008 Icelandic Handball team. You bring glory to your friends, family, and country every day you live. Also, your members are immortalised at the Icelandic phallological museum. Legends.
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