Words by

Hannah Jane Cohen

There are but two individuals who held the Ring of Power and willingly yeeted it off to another sucker: Bilbo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. Other than that, there’s the somewhat flamboyant Tom Bombadil, who was seemingly unaffected by and uninterested in the ring, and Galadriel and Gandalf, who were seduced by its power but had the presence of mind to refuse it.

However, there was another being—a MAN, no less—who had Isilidor’s Bane within his grasp but refused it instantly and kept his vow. Unfortunately, no one remembers him because he’s not that hot and he was kind of sensitive. Yeah, remember Faramir? Don’t lie. You don’t because he didn’t kill an elephant in one go or fuck an elf princess. He’s forgotten, but he shouldn’t be. So here you go Faramir: Welcome to your tape.

Let’s go back: During a skirmish in Ithilien, our dreamy Steward’s son found Frodo and Sam and took them hostage in Henneth Annûn. Faramir’s a perceptive dude, and had previously had dreamy premonitions of a hobbit carrying the ring, so he basically instantly knew who Frodo and Sam were and what they had. This was his moment to seize power and turn it from Gondor to Farador—something any lesser man, and 100% you, whoever is reading this, would do.

See, while his stupid brother Boromir wanted to take the ring to Gondor and give it to his idiotic father, Faramir was smart. And even though his father clearly thought he was lame, Faramir didn’t grovel for his father’s respect, instead proclaiming, rather eloquently: “I would not take this thing, if it lay by the highway. Not were Minas Tirith falling in ruin and I alone could save her, so, using the weapon of the Dark Lord for her good and my glory.” How’s that for a speech?

So in conclusion, we’re close to Halloween, and while people all around the world will be donning elf ears, Fellowship cloaks, and carrying around a staff, there are few who will put on some ornate leather to adopt the likeness of our young soldier of Gondor. This is a tragedy—perhaps on the same level as global warming—and we will not stand for it. Faramir deserves better. Especially considering he was almost burned alive—something we will probably all relate to in the near future, should Greta Thunburg fail on her quest.

For more last words, click here.