Want to become famous? Try this: Round up a few of your friends, start a web page with random trivia from your daily lives where you write about how totally cool and gorgeous you are, throw in a bunch of pictures of public drunkenness (girls baring their chests or tongue kissing each other are always safe choices, but someone mooning the camera will do) and you’re well on your way. To make sure you’ll succeed, use derogatory terms about women and homosexuals or anybody who doesn’t share your outlook on life. As a finishing touch, have a group picture taken of you and your buddies that looks suspiciously similar to an ad for an upcoming Hollywood TV series with bad acting, and place it strategically on a banner at the top of your page. It’s a proven formula. The bloggers behind webpages like www.fazmo.is and www.kallarnir.is have become celebrities, earning major media attention. Gilznegger, the best-known blogger from kallarnir.is, has been regularly published in the paper Sirkus and is now hosting a makeover show on TV. Others have begun to follow and trends are rapidly forming. You could name your blog after the postal code area in which you live, hence the 105Crew, 101Crew and the 107Crew. If you’re a female blogger, you could refer to yourself as a slut, bitch or hooker, as long as you switch the letter “s” out for “z”, hence www.cuntz.tk. It is absolutely essential to have a nickname, preferably describing your skin tone, such as ‘Mr. Tan’ or perhaps your interests, like ‘Porno.’
It is impossible to please everyone, so be prepared for controversy. Other surfers of the web might criticise you for being ignorant, full of yourself, shallow or even prejudiced. Not all users of the net may understand your intentions if you publish a video of one of your fellow bloggers urinating on a young woman, like the fazmo crew did. People might even think that you’re morally depraved. In that case, you can prove to the world that you’re really a nice person by supporting an anti-violence campaign, such as V-day. That’s what two members of the fazmo crew decided to do, by opening the page www.tveir.is and throwing a fund-raising party for the organisation. That doesn’t mean that you have to change anything else about your web page, though. You can still publish statements like “Adidas is for homosexuals” and pictures of topless girls mud-wrestling. As the guys behind www.tveir.is have proven, supporting an anti-violence campaign doesn’t mean you have to be open-minded when it comes to other human rights causes, such as gay rights or sexual exploitation.
The guys, Hallgrímur Andri (a.k.a. ‘Bronzman’* and ‘Benchpressing Halli’*) and Ingvi (a.k.a. ‘Pink’*) have been on national television twice, describing their contempt for sexual violence. The cause is just, and their actions have been commended by those who fight against sexual violence. Surfers of the web have awarded the two with astronomical hits (standing at 1,276,545 when this article was written), which equals every living Icelander visiting their page over four times. However, Bronzman and Pink don’t seem as concerned when it comes to sexual violence against men. On their page, under ‘Classics’* is a picture of a guy who seems to be passed out from alcohol. Someone has pulled his head back, placed unwrapped condoms on his face and a substance that looks suspiciously like semen. Finally, two unidentified men are standing on each side of the unconscious fellow, seemingly jerking off while rubbing their respective scrotums up against his face. The picture’s caption comments in a humorous way on how hairy the aforementioned nutsacks are. It’s all in good fun, isn’t it? It’s quite all right to sexually abuse and humiliate an unconscious man, as long as no ladies are being harassed. These are gentlemen, after all.
If you and your buddies stick around in the blogging business long enough, you might even need to publish a dictionary to teach your readers your evolving local slang. For best results, explain your slang with extremely offensive examples. Kallarnir.is have long since mastered this art. For example, the anus is referred to as ‘the garage’*, and the example used is “She is such a bore that I’ll go straight to the garage, should shut her up”*. An erection is referred to as ‘a Hard one’*, the example being: “The only thing these hags want is a Hard one”*. Last but not least, a vagina is used to describe a loser or a sissy, like “That guy is such a vagina”*.
There you have it, your key to fame. As long as you stick to the formula, you should have a good shot at having articles written about you in the papers, being interviewed on the news or, if you’re lucky, landing your own TV show. Just remember, do not under any circumstances try to be intellectual, humble or open minded. That’s only for vaginas who’d like a Hard one up the garage.
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