Charlie’s here to answer your questions — big or small!
As a graduate of the Help Academy founded by Gregory Shmon Help himself, I, Charlie Winters, am here on behalf of The Grapevine to help you with your questions!
Seeking advice about the future? Problems with lovers? Just have something you need to get off your chest? Call Charlie!
Miss Peggy asks: How’s Polly? (The office dog)
Pollý is good. She gets fed and watered twice a day. She makes sure work is getting done, now at the offices of Icelandic weekly Heimildin. She’s recently met another dog, a handsome Jack Russell terrier by the name of Alice. They go on little gay dog dates and have little gay dog spaghetti.
Jack asks: What will the Grapevine be like in 2050?
GetDate()
>>6053 Cycles
GetLocation()
>>Station Grapevine – Orbiting Earth 400km above surface
DisplayRecord(“Grapevine 2050”)
It’s been 25 years since the rogue meteor forced that nuclear-missile-carrying truck to crash into that chemical plant next to that locust factory. Ever since then, the Earth’s been near uninhabitable. The ultra-wealthy fled to their space stations, and due to a clerical error, the Grapevine staff was taken along with them.
Now, we spend our time observing the barren apocalyptic surface and reporting back what we see. Here are some updates from Iceland:
– The Blue Lagoon is still open for business.
– Alcohol cannot be bought at any wandering trader outpost. It can only be bartered for at a place now called the Vínbúin, because they are always out of wine.
-Whales now have people permits. They often come on land to hunt stragglers.
-Strætó now costs 800 bitcoin. The next bus is also indefinitely delayed.
-The mutated zombie of Páll Óskar released a new hit song “Minn hinsti dans (djók!)”
-Ástþór Magnússon lost the most recent election held at the crater to a giant beetle.
System.terminate(all)
Jdgiorgi asks: What is the biggest band coming out of Iceland right now?
Uhmm, I’m not sure you can ask that question. Queer people are allowed to come out whenever they feel comfortable, and you can’t pressure them in- Waaaait, you said “coming out OF Iceland.” Sorry. I guess IceGuys? I don’t know. I don’t really listen to music; I just sit in my sensory deprivation tank until the inner world of my body combines with the outer world, and I access the music of the cosmos.
The Kaylers asks: Was Jon at the office when the silly Canadian showed up thinking there was a physical store?
Listen, okay it’s not that outrageous to think there’s a physical store. It’s perfectly reasonable to show up and try to buy Grapevine merchandise and when informed that “No, in fact there is no physical store, Sir, who are you and why are you here?” it’s perfectly reasonable to start trying to forcibly remove furniture and other appliances from the premises. People are so judgemental these days. Specifically, of me.
The end is near, and ah, look here it is. We’re out of question space, and I’m out of patience. So if you have a burgeoning question trapped within your soul yearning to break free, check out the Grapevine Facebook or Instagram page to submit your questions!
Charlie Winters Out
Bless Bless
Need help? Got a hot tip? Seen a pelican? Send them our way at grapevine@grapevine.is. We’ll make sure Charlie sees them.
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